I am driving a mini van full of college seniors to a log cabin in those camp ground’s woods for a retreat entitled “Spark Overnight Series: So You Want to be a Writer?” There along with two legitimate adults and very legitimate writers I will share my experience over the four years since graduation in an effort to help kids who think they want to be writers find their way. Kids who, it should be noted, gave up drinking for three days of their last semester of college.

Little do they know I have no idea and really shouldn’t be trusted to drive a mini van.

“We just want you to share your story and impart some wisdom about how to keep writing in your life while still supporting yourself,” they told me before I agreed to attend. (I’m the “writer on the side” representative.)

“Define ‘supporting yourself,'” I asked. They thought that was funny. I thought (still think) it’s legitimately confusing…

Some people pay me to write so technically speaking I’m a writer. Four years ago I entered the real world, so technically speaking I have stories to share about how to do that without killing yourself. Whether or not they include wisdom is for these kids (or more like these retreat leaders…) to decide.

Needless to say, it’s got me thinking about how to fill the 30 minutes I’m supposed to use to guide these eager young minds to eventual success. So far I have the following list of real-life get-a-job realities that I wish someone would have told me two months before they cut off my Eagle Bucks card.

• The chances of you getting a response from a job you apply to off the Internet are about the same as that of you meeting a great, straight guy who’s in a gay bar by accident.
• Salary commensurate with experience means you’re screwed.
• Being the executive assistant to one very important person might be the hardest job you’ll ever have, but it will get you further, faster than being the assistant to a department of 10 less important people.
• Remove ALL incriminating or even slightly incriminating Facebook/Myspace/Flicker photos from the Internet before you start your job search. I know a girl whose entire job in the HR department of a prestigious company is to search for online evidence that you’re an asshole.
• Things not to say in response to “What would you say is your greatest weakness?” include: I’m too much of a perfectionist, I don’t take criticism well, I’m not a fan of team work. The appropriate response is to think of one aspect of the specific job you’re applying for and mention your learning curve in that area. I.E. You’re applying for a job as an editorial assistant: “I think my greatest weakness would be that I’ll have a bit of a learning curve in terms of editorial short hand specific to this magazine.” No it doesn’t exactly answer the question, but it doesn’t matter.
• Think twice about a job that doesn’t have dental insurance. The cheap food you’ll have to eat on account of your laughable salary can tend to cause cavities.