It’s not often that I’m willing to admit I’m a hypocrite, but I thought I owed it to you to come clean on this one.
It’s actually really hard to set someone up. I now understand why people don’t offer to do it.
Since my soap box post on dating it forward I’ve tried to practice what I preach. I went through my roster of available parties and created a pairing that I felt had excellent potential.
I casually noted both parties, supplied necessary background info, and received permission from each to proceed with the exchange of info. Both the guy and girl recommended I provide the girl’s email address to the guy so he could send a casual, introductory email.
Now to preface – I know both of these people well and like them very much. I would never want to see either hurt or frustrated or disappointed. While the set up was very casual and no promises or expectations were set, I truly wanted them to meet, decide they were made for each other, and then credit me for the rest of their happy lives.
But once I set the wheels in motion it became a god-damned mine field.
For starters I felt compelled to ask the guy if he’d contacted her every hour on the hour. When was he going to? Was he thinking about it? What might be preventing him from moving forward if, in fact, he was currently thinking about it? Did he need a little help drafting an email?
It was half – please do this so I don’t look like an ass – and half what really goes on inside the mind of guy with (great) girl’s email address in hand (but mostly the me as ass part).
In turn, I became obsessed with keeping her abreast of the maybe pending email. “Hey there – it’s me – just wanted to let you know that at 2:00pm on Thursday ________ re-confirmed that he had your email and just needed to finish up a few things at work before he got in touch. Don’t you worry. You’re great! You’re fun! This is going to work!” That sort of thing.
That was just 100% my attempt to deliver her the play-by-play that people would kill for in scenarios like these.
Was I on his side or hers? Should I push him to pull the trigger? Should I lie to her and say he just met someone he sort of likes? What was he thinking of her? What was she thinking of him? And what were both of them thinking of me??
And so I began to seriously regret my decision.
I was a nervous wreck. More nervous, I’m fairly certain, than I would have been if I myself was being set up.
See in this scenario two people could end up really disliking me. One or both could get hurt. Either/or could speak very negatively of me to friends and acquaintances. My judgment could be in eternal question from this set-up forward. The risk was high. If it had just been me maybe going on some random date I’d just have the guy and my already sub-part reputation to be concerned with – but this was two people who could talk shit about me to everyone they know — one news feed item and I’d be ruined!
So you see — it’s very clear — people don’t set people up because they’re sometimes selfish, self-involved, and overly neurotic …
…which — note to self — might be the exact same reason people don’t get set up themselves…
Being the “setter upper” only works if you the pair you’re trying to set up is comprised of one good friend and one acquaintence. Or if your 2 good frinds just happen to be really cool and won’t hold a grudge against you or the other person.
A bit unrelated to this topic, but didn’t want you to miss this article: http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/relationships/articles/2009/02/18/getting_personal/
I think you were just too invested in it. I agree with Anonymous 1 (or, might be the same one…) that having one person that’s just an aquaintance takes a little pressure off of you.
Either way, though, there shouldn’t be any real pressure for the person who is doing the setting up (preposition, yes). Just let it ride, both people know that you’re just being a good friend.