It’s official. The New York Times has printed it.
“Hooking up is here to stay.” Dating is endangered.
Per usual, they’re 3-4 years late.
The writer no doubt means well. He just wants to sound the alarm that hooking up is not a trend or blip or fluke, but now a deeply embedded cultural norm. They have scientists testing it. It’s really happening people. Dating as we – well – never really knew it – is dead.
In it’s place, the hook up – what the writer defines as “a casual sexual encounter with no expectation of future emotional commitment. Think of it as a one-night stand with someone you know.”
The scientific people he talked to shed a little light on the how we’re behaving…
“Under the old model, you dated a few times and, if you really liked the person, you might consider having sex. Under the new model, you hook up a few times and, if you really like the person, you might consider going on a date.”
The fact that it’s not all bad…
“The pros are that hooking up emphasizes group friendships over the one-pair model of dating, and, therefore, removes the negative stigma from those who can’t get a date.”
Just mostly bad…
The cons center on the issues of gender inequity. Girls get tired of hooking up because they want it to lead to a relationship (the guys don’t), and, as they get older, they start to realize that it’s not a good way to find a spouse. Also, there’s an increased likelihood of sexual assaults because hooking up is often fueled by alcohol.
And that three to five very vague “factors” are to blame
“…the collapse of advanced planning, lopsided gender ratios on campus, delaying marriage, relaxing values and sheer momentum.
So where does this leave us?
“It used to be that you were trained your whole life to date,” said Ms. Bogle. “Now we’ve lost that ability — the ability to just ask someone out and get to know them.”
Ouch.
Nothing the writer says is wrong. Hook up culture is rampant. Dating is challenged, if not extinct. And though sort of progressive and fascinating, the state of things is mostly just sad.
It’s good to know that people with advanced degrees are paying attention to the issue. But like most writings on this now very trendy subject, it doesn’t go far enough.
For starters if you surveyed 100 people they’d describe hooking up in a dozen different ways. Yes it’s a “casual sexual encounter”, they’d mostly agree, but the “no future intention of emotional engagement” depends on who you ask – and if they’re a girl.
That same 100 people would probably have at least a dozen different motivations for hooking up and just as many opinions on if it’s good or bad.
And on the issue of why we got ourselves into this mess in the first place – I’m going to need something more descriptive than the collapse of advanced planning and sheer momentum.
I’m glad professors and writers and The New York Times is ready to talk about it. But I’m afraid none of them are asking the right people the right questions. Questions like – how many people are hooking up because they think they have to versus actually want to? Who is still dating and what makes them different and where do they live? Is hooking up really here to stay, or could conventional dating swing back into favor? And who started it all in the first place?
We are the people who invented the turkducken . We should be able to figure at least some of this out.
Stay tuned.
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i don’t know that dating is exactly “dead.” But we should definitely put it on the “endangered” list. There are still guys out there who ask for a number and follow through and ask the girl out for a date. However, they are becoming fewer and farther in between. So for all you men out there who are still following this protocol, good job and start educating your fellow men!
One thought on why, to some extent, this occurs: Guys are not as confident as they may outwardly project and fear rejection from the lady they like. So instead of asking a girl for her digits and then going out on several dates to figure whether or not she likes us, we hook up with a girl a few times and then ask her out on a date.
This eliminates most of the risk because if she likes you enough to sleep with you, she probably likes you enough to go out on a few dates. Not saying I condone my, or any other guy’s, behavior, however given the current dating environment all the silly games everyone plays it can be pretty damn difficult figure out just likes you and who likes you.
I’m now two years out of college and am navigating the transition between Collegiate Hookup Culture and Adult Dating Culture. For a time after graduation, I stuck to the model I had known in college -meet someone, hook up in an attempt to keep it casual/unintimidating to male suitors, then see if it will transition into a relationship. I became more and more dissatisfied with this model, coming away from it only with funny stories, some mild shame-spiraling and alas, no boyfriend.
I made the big decision in April of last year: No More Hookups. I worried that this was the end of any kind of sex life, and surely a transition to Spinsterdom. Shortly thereafter, I met a great guy who courted me (dates! actual dates!). We even waiting quite a while to hook up! Imagine! A nice 6 month relationship ensued. Since that ended, I’ve successfully gone on 3 First Dates. I haven’t met the right guy yet, but I feel like I’m on the right track.
Long story, I know, but it’s been an interesting experience. I feel so much better than I did before. Rejecting the hookup scene has been very empowering. I have no way of knowing if my experience has been cause-and-effect. Maybe a coincidence? Or some sort of cosmic attraction ala The Secret? Either way, a change in my attitute has led to a really positive change in my relationships. Just thought I’d share!
– Jenn