With business card in hand I do what any normal citizen of the 21st century would do. I Internet stalk the shit out of him.

First stop: Facebook

As you (should) know, a Facebook search can be incredibly fruitful or painfully dead-end.

With a name like Matt _________ chances of multiples are high. Narrowing by network could work, plus Matt’s cell is included on his business card, so I could search by hometown city or college city. Both are promising but not solid. Land on an out of network, fully-locked profile and you’re done. But it’s mountains and valleys with this type of stalk: an in-network, wide-open find offers everything you need to determine if you could build a lasting life with a person.

Stakes are high. (note: Matt’s full name and place of business will remain private. This situation is fucked-up enough. But I will say this: his job is absolutely unbelievable. Sorry.)

My fears are endless. Matt could have acne, be bald, love cats, do drugs, be fat, own guns, be hairy, be inked , wear jewelry, keep kosher, be lazy, be married… Right. So they’re more like alphabetical. There’s a longer story there…

I approach the Facebook global search box a bundle of nerves. Also, I’m at work. That should help your mental picture. I’m at work, still wearing my cloche hat and coat because I’m too flustered to remember I’m wearing them.

My search produces two results by the name Matthew ________. Two unbelievable results. The first – a 30-some year old Asian man who looks strikingly similar to Anna. Repeat: a man who looks like Anna.

“HA!” I yell out (still at work…). “Of course. Of. COURSE.”

“Anna” Matt’s profile is locked but I can “see Friends of Matthew” of which there is one. One friend: a like-aged woman of like race. Also he’s wearing those sunglasses that have bright yellow lenses so he looks like a bug. Game over.

Matthew _____ number two is a man with no profile picture, no friends, no network and no access. “He” is essentially a non-person.

Non-Matt’s profile is also locked but I can see his friends too. Well could see his friends if he had any. He doesn’t.

So we have a potentially married Asian-woman-looking Matt in ski goggles and a total loser Matt who has chosen to not include a photo. It would be comical if it wasn’t devastating.

Just “Matt” __________ same results. “M” _________ no results. __________, “Matt” my Facebook froze.

On to Google:

The first two googs are my same Matt’s from le Book. The third though – the third is a Matt from Friendster. I know – who still has Friendster?! My future boyfriend, that’s who – back off.

Friendster Matt’s profile is accessible – accessible and very promising.Location: here. Birthdate: do-able. Occupation: a match to the b-card. Last date of Friendster activity: 2005 (phew!).

But here’s the catch. Neither the listed high school nor location of college match the cell phone area code on my Matt’s business card. So I’m not sold on this Matt. The evidence is mounting, but a cell phone area code does not lie.

I spend most of the day convinced my Matt is one of the two Facebook non-options. Part of me is relieved that it’s finally over. But the rest of me is – I’ll admit it – let down. Did I really believe Matt was going to be some sort of cosmic perfect match? That Anna, the woman who washes our clothes somehow knew what was right for us both?

Yes. Whatever. So did you.

I pick up the business card one more time at the end of the day and run my fingers across it looking for answers. Are you there, Matt? It’s me, Jessie. And then, as if answering my cheap allusion to a Judy Blume book, some unknown force draws me to Matt’s email address like a Ouiji board in a 5th grade girl’s bedroom.

There, under that cryptic cell phone number I find that it’s not Matt@_______ – it’s Matty. He is Matty ________ like I am Jessie ________. Of course he is.

Back to the Facebook I fly and with one extra letter it all comes together.

Matty ________. Location: here Date of Birth: do-able Employer: _________. A perfect match.

It is Friendster Matt – strange cell phone area code issue aside – and his profile is wide open….