You hear people referencing leagues all the time: she’s so out of my league — I’m no where near his league — and that whole group is in a league of their own. That sort of thing.

What they really mean is: she’s so much better looking that I am — I’m no where near as cool or good looking as him — and all those people were featured in the early ‘90s film about female baseball players.

Our “league” as it’s come to be called – represents our rate, rank or value relative to everyone else. It’s the unspoken number we’ve assigned ourselves – our understanding that if she’s a 10 ++ then I’m around a 6, 7 on a good day. Whether accurate or inaccurate (and this becomes important) – it’s how we perceive ourselves and therefore who we think we can get (can versus should becomes important too).

Some people don’t believe in leagues – one friend of mine adamantly so. He/They think self-judging and self-limiting are just outward expressions of self-consciousness – that anyone can and deserves to be interested in and attracted to absolutely anyone else. They agree that people’s attractiveness exists in a range — not everyone is a 10 or a 3 – but in their opinion our self-defined number doesn’t affect the range of numbers we believe we can get.

So really it’s not that they don’t believe in the idea of “leagues” as in buckets within which people sit based on what they look and act like. It’s just that they don’t believe those ranges mean anything. They think we should function as if we’re worthy of everyone because we are. That we can’t know what other people want and/or think of us. That the phrase should therefore be, “I perceive her as being out of my league” but then the immediate next thought should be, “but I don’t know what her idea of leagues is so I’m going to go ask her out.”

It’s only about my perception of the situation. I can’t know what she wants or who she’s attracted to so I go for it because who knows what other people are looking for.

I get that. Attraction is relative, perception even more so, and self-perception probably the most. So I get that with all those relative properties it’s impossible to really define these leagues and assign who can play in them.

Where I differ from my friend is that I don’t think any of that matters.

I think if you personally believe someone is out of your league, then they are. If their attractiveness, success, or cool-factor relative to yours makes you feel like you are unworthy of them, then you are.

Not in a punishing, “well if you’re self-conscious then you deserve what you get!” way. Just that what we’re really saying when we say, “he’s out of my league” is, “I’m too uncomfortable to be with him because he makes me feel inferior.”

When we create and assign value to people and ourselves we’re creating a reality that we then function within. We say I am a this and he is a that and therefore there are rules about how we relate. We’ve created those rules, but they’re set. Whether right, wrong, or ridiculous, it doesn’t matter – it’s our reality. We’ve created it for various deeply embedded reasons, so breaking out of it to walk across the room and ask someone out becomes a veritable shift in our universe. It’s not that we can’t do it or shouldn’t — its that we don’t want to. And so we say, “dude, no way, she’s out of my league.”

Do I think it can be wrong? Of course. Do I think all people are only attracted to people who they think look as good or bad as them? Of course not. But do I believe in the concept of leagues? Absolutely. I don’t think they’re a social construct – all girls who look like this go with guys who look like that. I think it’s a personal construct. Whether completely off in one direction or another – it exists.

So while I would support changing the language to something like, “He’s totally outside my self-created boundaries attractiveness relative to my own and therefore I can’t be with him because I would feel eternally uncomfortable about myself and likely assume he’s cheating” – I’m thinking chances of that catching on are slim.

Not impossible or unworthy — just slim.