I’ve touched on this before, but recent observations prove an entire post is in order.

We of the TGIF generation – line-up: Family Matters, Full House, Step by Step years – approach relationships like BC QB Chris Crane on a 30 yard touch-down pass. We run around like we’re about to make something happen then blow it by 2 feet, 30-seconds too late (that’s for you, Druck).

Thus we often find ourselves in Relationshits (Dan Cook said it, but I thought it first) – relationships that you refuse to acknowledge are relationships that therefore quickly turn to shit.

Thesis paragraph: It is completely valid to take your time getting into something and progress at a slower speed for mutual avoidance of error. It is wildly invalid to treat someone like you’re in a relationship on Monday, Wednesday, and some Fridays but pull the, “I don’t know what their problem is – we’re not officially dating” card when you want to. This I’m seeing in abundance.

To me it’s simple – if you’d have to have a sober, sit-down conversation in order to stop seeing someone – you’re in a relationship. You don’t have to call it that if you don’t want to slash lack balls, but that’s what’s up and everyone but you knows it.

“But Jessie,” you say, “it’s really confusing out there. There’s lots of grey area and fine lines and we haven’t had the talk yet…” You shut your mouth and let me finish, then we’ll discuss how you’re still wrong.

Bullet points (because you clearly need them)

You are in a relationship if:

• It would be out of the question to make a weekend night plan without at least letting the person know what you’re doing. They don’t have to be invited, but you’re at the point where it would be weird if they didn’t know.
• You have been invited to an event that holds significant meaning to them: wedding, Cancer Society Benefit, BC game watch, etc. After your performance at said event they said something to the effect of, “you were great” and then wanted to cuddle more than usual.
• When you meet up with your friends without your person they say, “Where is your person?” And when you say, “I didn’t invite him/her” they look at you like you’re an asshole.
• You cannot get away with not getting person a gift for one of the following holidays: Birthday, Chrismakkah, Valentine’s Day.
• If your person found out you hooked up with someone else on that night you told them where you were going but didn’t invite them, they’d break up with you.

Like I said, you don’t have to call her your girlfriend or email Mom that you’re finally dating a guy. All I’m saying is if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck it’s going to get pretty pissed really fast if you don’t start treating it like a duck.

“But Jessie,” you say, “What if we have a talk where we both make it clear that we don’t want to be in a real relationship right now – we just want to spend together not in a relationship of any kind.”

That’s nice. Good luck with that.