No more confusing sex questions (today). Instead – another Absolute Truth.

According to Wikipedia, the text message was invented in the late 1980’s to enhance mobile communication for the deaf – sort of like how the Internet was invented for NASA but worked out really well for porn.

In early 2003 texting was adopted by all American cell carriers and with that the phrase Booty Call was forever retired (it’s Sex Text, pass it on).

We like to text because it’s short, sweet, and can be edited five times before sending. There’s technically the same risks with calling and/or leaving a voicemail – but the text has somehow established itself as the least serious form of contact. Might have something to do with the 160 character limit.

Like most/all things – there are/should be social rules around the text message. In its unbridled state, this communication form has caused more problems than the Facebook relationship status feature. And that’s saying a lot.

Here, to help everyone behave a little better, are the Top Ten things you should not communicate via text. (per usual, the below only applies to people and situation you care about – or are trying to seem like you care about).

• Big Secrets

  The “forward” feature was invented to make it easy to send an exact copy of a text directly to many, many people. It also very conveniently allows you to alter the original message to take out things like, “don’t tell anyone but,” – for example. Tread lightly.

• Sincere Apologies
  Not like, sorry I didn’t make it out last night – totally crashed at 10pm. That’s valid. Like – I’ve been thinking about our fight and it really was dick of me to ignore you at party cuz I was pissed from the night before. That’s invalid, over the character limit, and bound to set you back by at least another day. Also, it’s not an apology.
• Birthday wishes to good friends
  Please just call. And if you get voicemail, please leave a nice message. Yes modern times have made it acceptable and common to handle things the quick and easy way, but for certain people, acceptable and common is not enough. Take 1-2 minutes out of your life and let your really close friend know you’re happy they exist.

  And if you have to ask yourself if the person is a good enough friend to call versus text, they’re not.

• Legit Congratulations

  See above. Replace “you’re happy they exist” with “you’re so proud they won an Emmy.”

• Pictures of your boobs and/or brand new engagement ring

  The boobs shot will get passed around like hot foreign athletes in the Olympic Village. The engagement ring will just annoy the shit out of whomever you send it to.

• Passive aggressive fight starters
  “Um, r u dead or just ignoring me?”
• Responses to passive aggressive fight starters
  “Just ignoring u”

  The fastest way to escalate a fight is to conduct it over a medium with no tone. Text, IM, gchat, email, blackberry messenger — instruments of (further) destruction.

• Condolences

  It’s hard to convey true sorrow over any kind of loss on a 3×3 inch screen. Unless what’s lost is dignity. In that case “Dude that ‘ho was bustd” works just fine.

• Break-Ups

  I believe I’ve mentioned this in earlier posts but wanted to be sure to include again so it’s VERY clear. Don’t do this. Ever.

• Initiation of first dates
  Last because it’s sure to elicit the most eye rolls. Listen, I think the text is a wonderful tool for sending snippets of info to speed up communication and save cell phone minutes (if those even still exist). I also acknowledge that it’s very nerve-wracking to make that first date call and very easy to type, “hey, it’s Joe from last night. Want 2 hang Fri” – especially since all those words are the first option that comes up on T9. Bottom line, if you’re too nervous to call me, you’re too nervous to date me.

Okay. What did I miss?