My fairly genius male friend started in on an interesting theory the other day. We were involved in a g-convo prompted by the scary age post. He brought up the fact that most guys, if they have a scary age at all, place it somewhere between 32 and 40. My limited research (a personal survey conducted at The 79th Boat Basin from 8-10pm, drunk-ish) suggests the same. I asked 10 guys (I think) and came up with four 36’s, two 40’s, one 30, and the rest confused (“What do you mean scary? What am I scared about?”).

This, my friend was suggesting, is appropriately in line with the whole girls-mature-faster-than-boys-deal (brace for broad, ugly generalizations). In pre-school boys were eating paste and girls were running plastic households. Girls said ew and/or cried then begged the boys to come play house. Boys refused; girls gave up/went and played blocks with them. Now boys are eating beer and girls are running Ikea households. Girls say ugh, beg them to play anything, hook up with them regardless then roll their eyes and re-affix their sites on someone three to eight years older. (I warned you).

According to my friend’s maybe genius theory, that’s just it. Besides the obvious biological clock argument, girls freak out at 25 while guys drag their feet into the next life stage (healthy relationship, solid career, properly fitting suit) because the boys-just-get-there-slower argument has become a self-fulfilling prophecy. He explained it better.

• Him: It is actually women who empower guys to feel this way (and by this way, I mean, a sense that we can hold out without consequence)
• Me: Oh this is going to be good
• Him: Not to tie everything into match.com again, but it’s an easy way of showing how a lot of girls feel…..how many of them are ‘seeking’ guys within a year or two of their own age on there? They are all looking up. A-25-year-old woman wants men between 26 and 32. A 29 year old woman is willing to entertain guys that are age 40.

  The refrain about guys being immature at our current age has become such a battle cry (and it has accepted as fact by so many women) that they now seek older, more mature

• Me: Instead of somewhat “conditioning” men their own age to mature?
• Him: exactly…. if that is going to be the case, where is the incentive for a guy in his mid 20s to behave?
• Me: Shit. Hmm. I guess especially since girls will hook up with them anyway.
• Him: When he knows that in 10 years, he can be getting women in their mid 20s, and they will ASSUME that he is worldly, mature, “ready”
• Me: PLEASE write this up
• Him: Ha. No.

If you’re a girl you read that as: girls are to blame for rampant male immaturity from ages 20-33 – the great enablers of the male condition they hate. You then stuck this post in an email to every girl your know. Subject line: Bullshit. If you’re a guy your takeaway was: girls are impatient so I buy time to fuck around in my 20s and can still get a hot 25-year-old when I’m 30-something. Glad someone confirmed that. I was maybe going to start worrying in 2 to 3 years. (Sorry, forgot the warning, those were generalizations too)

My fairly genius male friend didn’t offer a solution, hence the “fairly.” If you can get past the anger and realize this might actually be what’s up, you can move on to thinking of various “solutions.”

• Girls withhold hook-ups from all 20-30 years olds un-willing to settle into a legit relationship until they realize it’s celibacy or maturity and universally get their acts together. Likelihood of success: 30%
• This post reaches enough guys that read it and say, “Hhm, now that’s not very accommodating of us. Let’s all just get ready to settle down five to eight years earlier so we can be on the same page as the girls.” And thus a revolution is insighted. Likelihood of success: -75%
• Scientists develop a way to implant the female biological clock in men so that they too feel all the same life urges and pressures at exactly the same times. Likelihood of success: 100% Likelihood of happening: less than that of all guys voluntarily changing

Or maybe it’s just that all the guys are lying about their scary age to seem fearless and macho. Maybe theirs’ too hits somewhere between 25 and 30 but they collectively decided to push it back a bit to keep their gender edge.
Yes. I like that theory much better. Let’s go with that.