You know that now famous question that popped up somewhere around freshman year of high school?

If you had to give up either blow jobs or cheese, which would you pick?

Girls used it as a weird flirtation device — proof that they were cool enough to say blow job with a straight face. For guys I assume it was another piece of their sexual show-off routine: “Oh man, give up blow jobs. God the ones I receive daily are so amazing that I can’t imagine giving them up.”

I heard it again this weekend out at a bar. It was bundled into a conversation about who was more likely to have done it – Zach and Kelly or Slater and Jessie. Everyone’s money was on Jessie (bookish on the outside, Showgirls in the inside), but I made the case for Lisa being the dark horse. She probably did it without anyone knowing while they were all working at that weird beach club. People agreed. Crazy shit went down at that beach club.

The blow job/cheese portion of the convo went as expected. Cheese took it approx. 70/30 against the J’s. People unfamiliar with the question reacted as they tend to. “Give up blow jobs??” to which someone who’s been mulling it over since freshman year of high school always says, “Dude, do you know how much stuff has cheese in it? Pretty much everything good. Think about it.” The crowd contemplates. Someone says, “You can still have sex right?” The answer is yes and so cheese pulls ahead.

As a lactose intolerant girl, I’ve never been too interested in the game. I’d probably go with cheese considering there’s really no substitute, plus I assume a bad blow job can really ruin the act for life — though someone once told me there’s no such thing as a bad blow job.

This time though it got me thinking about how to re-write it for the female audience – and whether or not there’s even an equivalent. The obvious thought is to replace blow jobs with girl third base (I’m not cool enough to say it with a straight face), insert “or cheese” and watch everyone squirm. But it’s a well-known fact that girls don’t love their version as much as boys do. Plus in the female scenario there is such a thing as a bad one, and it can be quite scarring.

Maybe it’s orgasms or make-up? No, in the original either/or the orgasm remains – it’s just one means to that end that’s off-limits. Plus 21st century girls don’t like to admit they love make-up.

Kissing or cheese? Boring. Cuddling or Facebook? Meh. The Facebook thing is valid but too annoying to admit. Cuddling or kissing? One in the same really. Cuddling or orgasms? Hhmm. Cuddling or orgasms. Cuddling or orgasms… Now that’s something…

If we use the term broadly – cuddling serving as a catch-all term for all touch in that realm – it becomes something serious to consider.

Would women forever give up being touched to keep the sensation of an orgasm?

Is the power of those seconds of pleasure more compelling than the pleasure derived from everything before and after? Which is more significant to the gender as a whole? And can the latter occur without the former (nb: yes)? But should it? (nb: no).  It’s a cheap trick hypothetical that may actually produce some pretty telling info, especially when it comes to the question of how this reflects on thought process around hooking up? (big jump – stay focused). 

If you stopped a girl just before she’s about to leave with Joe Friday Night and said, “you’re going to have a great orgasm but he won’t touch you once throughout the entire experience” do you think she’d still go? Right. But what if she were sober?

Forget the “would you rather” hypothetical – that’s the more interesting question. What are we really after out of a hook up and, if we knew we wouldn’t get it, would we still proceed? Easy orgasm, perfect cuddle, eventual boyfriend – it’s a whole other set of either / or(s). But perhaps if we can uncover which we want and why we want them we can put a permanent end to texts that read: I never learn my lesson.

What percentage of the female population could identify  what, of the many possible options, they really want out of a hook up and, if you promised they would or wouldn’t get it – would they still proceed?

That question is harder than bj/cheese or cuddling/O questions combined.  And while I’m sure it’s fairly unanswerable, I do think people’s reactions and thought process in an attempt to figure it out would be pretty indicative of their current mindset when it comes to the opposite sex.  I think you could tell what girls most after in their hearts of hearts – be that attention or a husband – from the way they think it through.

From blow jobs and cheese to the cornerstones of modern hook up culture.

And to think, I also love make-up.