Today a much-needed departure from dating rules and the return of an old series (of one post).

Absolute Truths.

(Excerpt from old intro paragraph for reference):

People talk about our social world being all grey area. That nothing is ever really black or white. That all things are open for interpretation. It could mean this, but it could, if you look at it from another perspective – after a few drinks – in a completely different outfit, also mean that. There are no absolute truths.

Crock of shit.

Certain things are just true – absolutely true. They’re tried, tested, and consistently either black or white. They may not be good or fair or even convenient, but they are true. Considering how much of “adult” life is legitimately blurry, I think we need to draw lines where we can. That way we’ll all be on the same page when possible and can refocus our efforts on overanalyzing actually confusing matters – like how to save money.
Today, Absolute Truths: Breaking up
· You can break up in name or you can break up in action. These are two very different things. People who break up in name have an RDT (relationship defining talk) and decide that they are no longer together. Then they proceed to sleep together, call each other lots, know each other’s day-to-day plans, and regularly exchange Facebook messages (you can’t wall post directly following a break up, even a break up in name).

o Breaking up in name is like continuing to do freelance work at the company you just left. They want/need you to do it because they a. don’t have anyone else to do it or b. didn’t want you to leave and figure if they keep you around they have a chance of bringing you back. You continue to work there because it’s an easy job, it’s hard to refuse the extra dough, and if your new job doesn’t work out you have something to fall back on. At the end of the day the company suffers because you’re doing a half-assed job, and you suffer because you’re lying to your new employer about your side projects. You get fired, old company finally gets resentful. Lose, lose.

· A break up in action is when you end the relationship and all elements of the behavior associated with the relationship for an undetermined period of time. You can technically be “broken up while he’s in business school” but not if you are together every time he’s home for vacation. Not hard to understanding, but almost impossible to execute.

· There is no such thing as a mutual break up. It may feel mutual and look mutual and be hailed as mutual to everyone you have to tell, but someone wanted it to happen more than someone else. There may be an agreement that things aren’t working, but no one wants to be the person to come to that decision a day later than the other. If you need to say it was mutual to feel better as the breakup-er or breakup-ee, that’s valid-ish. But it’s the same as saying “we both really want to wait until marriage.” No. You both really don’t.

· I feel badly about this next one because extenuating circumstances often make it impossible. I’ll say – if it is possible for you to break up in person you should do so because it is the thing that caring and decent people do. If there is an issue of long-distance, you are dealing with an absolute lunatic with whom an in-person RDT may prove dangerous, or you don’t care to be a caring and decent person, okay. Also relationships lasting for less than two months in which neither party brought up the ideal of exclusivity are disqualified.

· Owing to our modern structure of non-relationships that are really relationships – you now have to break up with someone that you don’t believe you’re technically dating. These days we place strong value on the differences between seeing each other, dating, dating exclusively, and in-a-relationship (stay-tuned for an outline of the differences – it’s three years in the making and I’m still at “seeing each other”). In three out of those four instances, a formal break up is required. If you’re just seeing each other (under eight dates, little to no meeting of each other’s friends, no daily communication) you can disappear on account of a “crazy upcoming work project” or “funk I just can’t climb out of” without much fan-fare. If this person is in your life to the point that they know what upcoming work projects you have and they’ll message your friend to make sure your “funk” isn’t something serious, you need to have a talk. So what’s the point of having a casual, dating relationship if you just have to break up with the person as if you’re totally committed? I don’t know – I’m working on that too. I think it has something to do with how relatively bad you feel when it ends.

· I won’t say the clichéd “you can’t be friends with someone you once dated” because much like “girls and guys cannot actually be friends without sexual tension,” I don’t believe it. For now – you cannot be friends with someone you’ve just stopped dating. There are hard feelings, it is awkward, and as much as you think offering your friendship is the kind thing to do – it isn’t. Just say, “I think for now distance would be the best thing for us. Would you like to contact me when you’re ready or should I do so?” Or something like that but less Dr. Phil.

· And finally – a few things are required for a healthy break up. Honesty within reason, some minor rehearsal, and balls. Honesty within reason is the truth delivered in a non-painful yet direct way. That description is vague for a reason. Follow your conscience slash two closest friends. Some minor rehearsal is necessary because no matter how ready you are, you’ll be nervous and the words won’t come out right. There’s no shame in saying them a few times for practice. “Balls” is a popularized slang noun representing behavior associated with putting another person’s feelings before your own (in this form of use). Proper honing of balls in a break up scenario may leave you feeling discomfort and awkwardness (things often associated with “doing the right thing”), but it will leave the breakup-ee feeling less shitty than they would otherwise. Sack up, put yourself in their shoes, approach it from that angle. It’s simple Golden Rule, good Karma, helps you sleep at night stuff. Please do it always.