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Dear Douche: A social experiment

February 19, 2008

Failure to manage the client’s expectations

February 19, 2008

The things we/I live without

February 19, 2008

My parents took a trip into this city this past weekend because I threatened to stop going home to visit them until them came to visit me. I have lived 50 miles from my hometown of Freehold, New Jersey for almost three years. My mother has been here twice.

In fairness, it’s hard for more than four people to visit my apartment at one time, but these are the sacrifices we must make for our first-born – I tell her. Told her – I should say. I won’t be begging her to visit again for some time. It didn’t quite go as planned. My plan was for her to glow with pride at my well-decorated, independent life further validating my tiny existence with comments such as, “I couldn’t have done it when I was your age.” Or “You’re right, you do just belong here. It’s 100% worth it. Here’s a congratulatory $500 dollars.”

Instead, this:

“My god do any of these pots have matching lids?”

“You don’t have a landline? What if your cell phone dies and you can’t find your charger? You’ll be just be cut off from the entire world. You should have a landline.”

“So when people stay over here where exactly do they sleep because your bed is awfully small for people who don’t belong in it.”

In fairness, she’s always shown love through uncensored communication. It’s one of the things you’ve just gotta love, then pray every night you don’t develop in yourself.

Still, her “assessing” got me thinking about the things my adult life is conspicuously missing. When money, time, space and knowledge of the fact that, “you’re supposed to have two extra sets of sheets for security purposes – don’t you know that?!” aren’t at your fingertips it’s amazing the things you can live almost three years without. Here are mine:

  • A large wooden or plastic spoon for stirring things aka “pasta spoon” – I just use a soup spoon
  • A cheese grater – I just eat it in slices slash don’t make tacos
  • A desk – I do most work on my bed or in a coffee shop ala college – except I had a desk in college
  • A landline – frankly, I just forgot that was a customary option. While the prospect of being cut off from the world is somewhat thrilling, it is ridiculous to call long-distance for the Thai delivery downstairs.
  • A vacuum cleaner – there isn’t enough floor space to necessitate it. We use a dust buster
  • A drying rack – this one I had but got rid of. The only place it fits is the kitchen/living room and the only think I used it for was drying my intimates. Wasn’t working out.

The list goes on, but I miss none of it. There’s something oddly satisfying about getting by without a Cuisinart or full-sized ironing board. Sure I can’t make certain dips and my clothes are always slightly wrinkled, but these are the sacrifices we must make in the name of big city living. Plus Mom, did you notice?! I fit 43 pair of shoes in here! And that’s something to be proud of.

1 comments

  1. Things that I don’t have and am not missing:

    a car
    rent payment
    classes
    dirty shower curtain
    rollerblades
    the smell of three-day-old beer
    mountains of beer cans
    my dignity
    a job

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