Part of my problem is that I sometimes view circumstances like some movie scene – some movie scene I’ve written in my drunk head.
Take one night around two years ago.
I met Katie and Nina at Puck Fair for a drink after a long, bad day. I don’t remember what was long or bad about it. I just remember that I proceeded to drink like it had been really long and really bad. Never a good premise. For me frustration and beer tend to equal regret.
Someone in the group had brought some guy that was pulling off a skull cap (as in wearing it well, not taking it off his head). That’s not easy to do without looking like a tool, so I was intrigued. Intrigued, drunk, and still a little fired up from the day.
Skull Cap and I hit it off over a conversation about loving Italy and hating LA. It’s a known fact that if you wear something stand-out, say you hate LA, and know anything at all about Italy I will give you my number or ask for yours. Be warned slash informed. This guy was also a movie-lover. Done.
In my drunk haze I started to write different scenarios for how this would pan out — this being our Sunday Style section-worthy exchange of information. These scenes usually involve him doing something charming, smooth, or surprising to get my number and set up a date.
All girls do this. It’s just in how far we take it and if we ever go through with it that we differ.
This time I took it to a very far place – and went through with it.
I, now borderline black-out, took one of the personal business cards I use for freelance writing (whatever, I really do use them for that) and slipped it in Skull Cap’s back left jean pocket with Ocean’s 11-style precision. Then I went on sipping my beer and making what I thought were witty, adorable comments until it was time to part ways. I told no one but the bar tender who saw it all go down. I’m just that mysterious…
So it was cool meeting you. We should hang out again. Can I grab your number?
[Beat. Camera 1 zooms in on our protagonist as she looks up at him with a coy glimmer in her eye. The kind of look that says – silly skull cap, I’m two steps ahead of you. ]
You already have it…
[Camera 2 focuses in on guy’s completely confused face. Not intrigued
confused, legimately unclear.
Back left pocket…
[Camera follows guy as he reaches for his back left pocket and pulls out a tiny business card. Quick shift back to Camera 1 – girl. She is triumphant. Wasted
It gets blurry slash embarrassing after that. He actually did call and we actually did have a drink, but it was just as likely and probably smarter had he smiled politely and run for the hills.
I’d like to say I’ve since worked on cutting the dramatics, but I haven’t – not hard enough at least. That said I have the makings of a full evening of hysterical one-act plays:
I Cannot Wait Until You Have Kids So I Can Tell Them This Story