Among the cornerstone differences between guys and girls, level of phone activity is high –right up there with preferred terminology for women’s underwear.

We communicate differently, point blank period. Whether it’s on account of right brain left brain function or venus/mars origination doesn’t matter. It’s a fact, and you’re not changing it. Time to recognize, accept, and move on.

To that end an evaluation of the true differences in phone thought and approach seems necessary to grasp just how differently the genders approach the device so you’ll actually believe you’re not changing it.

For (many) girls –

The cell, office, home, and any other available phone is like an extension of our brain that can call people, take pictures, and play music. Much like the way the brain directs us to pull our hand from a hot object the second we make contact, it encourages us call you the moment anything happens that remotely involves you, your family, your job, and anything that has touched those things since we’ve known you.

• We see a billboard that the band you love is coming to town – we text (we should get tix!?).
• That cologne you wear is on sale at Saks – we call (heeey, it’s me, that Dior Homme I got you is on sale, wanted to know if I should pick up another bottle? Also how’s your day? Hope that pitch meeting went well. Give me a call as soon as you get a chance, okay? HHmm. Maybe I’ll just get a bottle anway… Okay. Call me. Byee.)
• We see our friend out with a guy you used to work with – we text (OMG!!! Chad and Beth!!) and then in five minutes when you don’t respond we call (Hi, it’s me, OMG, Chad and Beth!!).

That’s how much we love to share our life with you and yours with us. To us, the phone is our end of the cup and never-ending, invisible string we think is permanently attached to you. We have a thought; we pick it up and talk. Why you don’t welcome and reciprocate these spontaneous moments of love in action is beyond us, yet does not stop us.

That’s part one.

Part two is that we love to talk on the phone at length with you every day about – you know what – it doesn’t really matter. This is an extension of the fact that we love to share, coupled with the fact that we like you, but mostly the former. To us love and care are – in part – exhibited through regular contact and knowledge of the mundane details of our every day lives. This is why we want to recap the day with you before we go to bed and hear from you every day of your vacation. I don’t know why – probably evolution.

But, and here’s the kicker, what’s even more important than talking to you on the phone is your desire to talk to us as exhibited by the fact that you call. It does not matter what about. It does not matter when. (note: the first draft of this included a Green Eggs & Ham-style section featuring all the places you can call us from. You’re welcome.) We just want you to call.

It is a cold, hard fact that any man could single-handedly eliminate all male competition by calling on a regular basis to chat and check in. Try it. Instant reign will be yours.

Now we are all working together and very hard to understand and accept that you are not conditioned to function in any of the above ways, but not one of us has succeeded so far. Please be patient.