- Geanna: millie* has been working for the bicycle festival
- Jessie: haha
- Geanna: no it gets better
- Jessie: oh
- Geanna: so she’s been all consumed with this job
and apparently it’s all she talks about
and her therapist told her that it’s ruining her dating life because she will likely scare guys off with all of her work stories, etc - Jessie: I can see that
- Geanna: i mean what kind of a thing is that to say
- Jessie: well, probably a true thing – ha
- Geanna: but when a man is consumed with work, it’s dedication
- Jessie: right, that’s what I was supposed to say…
- Jessie: hhmm…what are girls supposed to talk about on dates vs. guys – good post.
- Geanna: i just think its a double standard
- Jessie: I completely and totally agree
- Geanna: and therpaists should not be saying things like that
it’s not helpful
and just breeds idiocy - Jessie: true
I mean I would advise not to obsess over any one thing on a date
but that’s not what the therapist said - Geanna: right
- Jessie: she said, “your passion about your career scares men”
which may be true but is not nice - Geanna: exactly
*(name changed)
Brief window into a bigger topic, so don’t jam up about the verbatim of the the 11am chat (that happened while I was on a conference call).
The crux is this. Therapist said, chillax on the obsessive work talk because guys don’t want to hear about that — it intimidates them.
So this is interesting on a few levels.
First — my gut reaction to the therapist saying, “don’t talk about your job so much it’ll scare a guy off” was “yeah, don’t do that – so true.” In my head that advice is correct. And in fact I can think of several times when I’ve held back in that specific topic realm on a first date (if you consider 2 several). But when prompted by someone wiser I do agree — it’s a D.S.
Second — there’s an important back-peddle piece inside the convo that I want to point out sos to calm those currently devising hate comments. Talking about one thing in an out of control manner on a date will do more than just intimidate a guy. If I were a therapist (hhmm…) I would advise never to talk to anyone obsessively about one thing until you give yourself pink eye (It can be done…). But what this therapist said is, “don’t talk about your work too much because it intimidates guys.” That’s what we’re focusing on here.
And now — does it or is this shrink a quack? If/when a girl is really passionate about her career and shares that on a first date is a guy thinking any of the following:
- This girls is too consumed with her career and won’t have time for me
- This girl is really successful in her career and I can’t compete with that so I don’t want to date her
- This girl is really passionate about her career and I don’t even really have a career so that makes us uneven and me feel uncomfortable
- This girl will clearly not be fun because she’s all work and no play.
- Wow this guy is really mature about his career — that’s cute
- Hm, this guy probably does well at work and therefore has stable money and savings…
- My parents will like this guy and his impressive career
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Tact is more important than anything else. If she’s a one-trick pony, I think that’s the unattractive oart, not a woman being passionate about her work. I.e. if you like a diverse range of things and are passionate about them, including work, that’s fun. But if you only talk about work, being at work, work friends, it’s less the passion and more that that’s ALL you have. It’s like being a parent who only talks about her kids, a pet owner who only talks about her cats, someone who only talks about family/bf/gf, or a BC grad who only talks about BC… except that that last one is totally hot and awesome.
I’m not intimidated by a successful woman, even being a competitive male– even if she makes more money. The put-off for me is the inability to have more than one interest, or focus on more than one thing at a time.
Millie should come to Austin, TX. Boys loooove girls who love bikes here.
I find your guesses of what girls vs. guys think somewhat interesting. As a girl, if I’m on a first date with a guy who is talking obsessively about his career, my first thought definitely aligns more with the “won’t have time for me” or “uneven and uncomfortable” than the “my parents will like” or “stable money.” That last one actually kind of seems to fulfill other unpleasant stereotypes about what women are looking for in a man.
I agree with KAC. No one, male or female, wants to only talk about one topic on a first date. If I was out with a guy, I might start off thinking, “Wow. Nice. Young, goal-oriented, career man. Yum.” If he somehow relates everything I say to one of his 20 minute stories about his job, “Ehh, okay. He’s obsessed… and clearly quite boring.”
Similarly, a guy might be intimidated OR turned on. It depends on the girl and her communication skills.
I think all advice like that does is make women paranoid about what they say on dates (Suppress your real self so that guys will like you), and frankly the biggest turn off for guys is women who are paranoid and anxious.
So yes, I would say be highly suspicious of a therapist who tells you how to act on dates.
I’m starting to realize my biggest hangups about dating have come, in recent years, from dating self-help books.