Somehow between this and my last trip to LA a bunch of my West Coast friends have secured relationships. They’re all in varying phases of execution – preparing for a first vacay together; embarking on the first serious relationship of both their lives; re-connecting after years of hhmmm maybe…
So on this trip in LA I spent a good chunk of time discussing actually dating in that city versus New York. People shared varying opinions, as people tend to do – dating in LA is different because you have more space; because there’s more outdoor activity to do; because people are always randomly on hiatus…
But the thing I found most interesting was an observation my friend Laura shared over beet and goat cheese salad (which is served at every single LA restaurant) at the Palihouse (which is the most New York restaurant I was able to find) just off Santa Monica Blvd (where I both successfully drove and parked my rental car).
“I think LA offers guys much more opportunity to be traditionally chivalrous,” she said.
Now it’s important to note that Laura moved to LA from New York a mere four months ago. After spending her immediate post-college years as a PR professional in Manhattan she was ready for the east-to-west coast shift. She made that transition through her employer and is happily living in a spacious studio and dating a lovely man she met at the gym. It should be noted that Laura did a fair amount of first-dating in New York and met plenty of guys, but none were quite the right match, so she comes at this chivalry perspective with legit experience from the right coast.
Laura’s point wasn’t about personality – that an entire coast of men are just different – her point was about circumstance – simply that certain features of LA life require men (and by extension women) to behave more maturely at the onset of a potential relationship (so, while dating). Here were her primary examples, with my commentary.
The pick up – Because cars are LA’s mode of transpo, guys will pick you up for a date offering the opportunity for them to show their date-approach colors. Are they late? Do they get out of the car to retrieve you? Do they open your car door? Do they drive like assholes? Do they look for parking or pay for valet? (which holds different meaning for different girls. I’m of the he-looks-for-good-parking-and-can-parallel-park-when-he-finds-it persuasion)
- The New York version – you meet there opening up a series of wild-cards about what may go down open arrival, aaaand departure. There is nothing more awkward than sharing a cab home after a date and deciding whether you’re making one stop or two.
The drinking – Because he’s driven, a guy will likely drink far less than he might on a first date in New York offering a more honest look at his sober personality. In turn you, not wanting to look the lush, will (should…) also drink less. The result is a conversation that, when you play it over in your head the next day, doesn’t make you want to kill yourself. Also, if he drinks way too much, you’re aware of that off the bat. Same goes for you.
- The New York version – I can’t comment because I’m too busy trying to re-play 4-year-old conversations in my head…
The hooking-up – People hook-up in LA, make no mistake. There are house parties and nights out at bars where people get just as wasted as they do in any other city. But that’s not after a first date. Now, how many legitimate first dates in New York end in a sleep-over? Unsure. The point here is that if a legitimate date occurs in which the guy picks the girl up and therefore drinks less than he would if he weren’t driving, the night will likely not end in a one-night stand.
- The New York version – to put it simply – a first date in New York is just more of a wild card than it is in LA. Maybe you’ll be out for a sensible after-work cocktail then call it a night, but maybe the mood will be right and you’ll hop from one bar to the next until 2am. You can be more spontaneous in New York because you’re not driving, and there are far more bars/restaurants/events per square block.
Is it that much different – I don’t know. I surveyed ten people with one specific opinion. Ten others might say LA is full of dogs with no manners.
But my personal experience with the matter this past week supports Laura’s suggestion –much more chivalry than I’ve experienced in 4+ years of dating in New York…
Comments?
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I agree. Although I’ve never lived in NYC or LA, I can see how the make up of a city can alter course of actions.
ive never experienced actual new york living. but i would say that there is also a lot more room to meet people on the street, in the subway, in the community space that a tight city offers. it sounds romantic to meeeeeeee. as far as chivalry goes, i havent any idea. LA men seem so diverse, the city is a million different cities in one, each with its own cultural niche.
Alright, as a man who’s been reading your blog for awhile, I can honestly say I think you’re wrong. Not that all men are like me here in New York, but that I, and most of my friends, are not like that at all.
I know, if I’m on a date, not to drink to oblivion. It’s wrong; it’s why I tend to make a date earlier in the day, when the sun is out and there’s no excuse to drink.
Every girl I know who’s living in LA hates the men there. They say that they’re shallow, mean and jump from girl to girl easier than a toad at a pond.
@Blair- If I’m dating a lady, I’m dating her and her alone, unless otherwise EXPLICITLY stated in our conversations. New York men, as a rule, are diverse, ethnically, culturally and lifestyle-wise. We’re deeply, deeply different. I can guarantee that. It’s just that most people see and hear the loudest, most obnoxious guys. That’s the truth anywhere.
Basically, what I’m driving at is I’m a chivalrous, polite gentleman who will tell a lady he wants to kiss her before he does and will hold a door for her (and anyone else who comes by). And there are more of us here in New York than you might think.
Greg, if there was ever a comment to get you a marriage proposal or 40, that was it.
Thanks.
Chivalry and chauvinism where twin sisters. Both of them died the same day. They were murdered by feminism. They were survived by tradition.