It’s come up more than a few times in my six plus weeks in L.A. – the question of whether there are more married 20-somethings in New York than there are in L.A.
I always respond the I have the exact same number of very good friends who are already married in New York as I do in L.A. – zero – but I think that may be a bizarre case of no-one-within-a-10-mile-radius-of-me-is-prepared-to-get-married (except for you, Carl. well done!).
But people here seem to think that our New York counterparts get married earlier with greater frequency. They’ve apparently found the pocket of East coast 20-somethings that evades me.
“I have four sets of married friends in New York,” said one single-ish, 26-year-old Los Angelene, “and only one of them is from college.” (note: the “from college” issue somewhat disqualifies couples from this specific argument because there’s an egg timer on a post-grad to marriage relationship that should take savings etc. into consideration, but doesn’t).
Their collective theory on this maybe-issue is that it’s all about money.
More people in New York work in varied industries (law, finance, marketing, etc.) that lead to higher salaries earlier in life. Higher salaries mean more savings and greater stability in life. More savings and greater stability in life mean a faster progression toward let’s-be-real-adults-now. And with that comes dough to buy a diamond, move into a married apartment (they’re generally bigger than single-person apartments and have closets) and start playing house (minus the playing part). Yes there are 28-year-olds in Manhattan making 40K as associate editors at major fashion magazines, but they are fewer and further between. The typical New Yorker graduates from assistant to associate (or beyond) at age 25, 27 at the latest.
Not the case in L.A.
First – an insanely high percentage of people work in the entertainment industry, which is issue number one. Second – within this industry pay starts lower than almost any job in New York (I know, I fought it too, but it’s true) and stays that low for much longer. It is absolutely customary to spend four to five years as an assistant here (or as they say, “on a desk”) without it being because no one knows how to tell you it’s never going to happen. And those are people who actually have salaried jobs. This is a town full of freelancers. If you’re a baby writer (term for young writers) scraping by on what you make from one script sale to the next, the last thing on your mind is settling down and getting married. You don’t even necessarily have health insurance let alone the ability to plan out the next five years.
I argued that in New York people have relationship shiny ball syndrome – so many options, so many places to meet them and as such, so little interest in locking it down. New York invented the Big-style bachelor! It’s filled with men and women who are career versus life-partner focused, whose standards are so high they’d never marry themselves, and who would rather bar hop on the Bowery than couch surf in Brooklyn. It’s not about the money, I argued, it’s about the personality of the town.
If you think New York is full of career-driven perfectionists, one friend told me, L.A. culture clearly hasn’t sunk in. This is a town that people move to largely-if-not-solely to succeed in one, specific industry (I’m lumping music and all of entertainment together here). Yes, NYC is full of career-driven post-grads, but it’s also populated by east coasters who picked the nearest, biggest city and people who have fallen into an industry that has strong opportunity in New York – i.e. if you work in finance you could live in Boston or Chicago, but perhaps you landed in New York.
People – in large part – move to Los Angeles to pursue one, specific thing. Many of them – this girl included – would actually prefer not to live here but do so because of a given passion. The last thing a person like that wants to do is lose sight of the dream on account of a time-consuming dating detour. Dating means less time spent on your screenplay/short film/first album and marriage means tying yourself down to someone who may not be on your same passion-drive progression.
Long story short – could it be that while marriage may be a low priority in the life of a New Yorker it’s even lower in the life of a 20-something in L.A.?
The jury’s still out in my opinion. I moved from one place to the next and grew no more or less terrified of marriage. But then again, I’ve only been here for six plus weeks. Perhaps the transition from a 7 to a 11 on the no-way-am-I-ready-for-that scale just hasn’t taken effect…
*yes, that was a movie (that doesn’t apply, but still felt right. and why yes, of course you can buy it off amazon immediately).
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another interesting topic…i used to think that no one in LA got married (or dated), but when I think about it, I have a number of friends who are married and they all work in the business. they all seem happy too. all the people i know in nyc are in long term relationships, but not married. now in austin, people like to date but they’re afraid of marriage- unless they got married at 19.
i have one of both…
a 20-something couple married: moved to San Francisco from NYC…
and a 20-something couple engaged: moved to LA from NYC…
so maybe it’s easier to find a life partner on the East Coast, load up on savings and then head West to a more-bang-for-your-saved-up-bucks living?
Very very interesting analysis. As a NYer completely unfamiliar with LA culture (and happy to keep it that way), I can’t speak on the “vs.” However, I do have a lot of people in very varied industries. (I studied accounting at business school and then switched to journalism.) And I think the money aspect of it has a HUGE impact. The group of people I knew in college who took jobs in finance and accounting were the first to jump the single ship. Those that went on to complete graduate studies and pursue other endeavors such as travel, etc, are still living up singledom. It makes sense.
Finding your career niche is important. When you do you move on to the next thing — significant other. And when you find a niche that pays you well, you’re likely to accept it and move on even if you hate it. Yep, I know lots of people who might prefer to be in another field, but their job pays the bills and takes care of the Mrs/Mr, so why leave?
I, on the other hand, left a well-paying industry to pursue a career of financial demise. And now me and all my journo friends (and I went to school in England so Im somewhat counting them in this consideration as well) and others who switched career paths at an early age, or who work in non-profit… well, we’re all hanging out getting excited when we clip enough coupons that we can splurge on martini night and not drink $1 beers.
It’s a compromise… as long as we’re all happy. I am! 🙂
As a midwesterner- I find myself oddly intrigued by marriage-averse cultures. I feel like an endangered species in the midwest- the 28 year old single woman who is happily single and not likely to ever want children. BUT because I am 28 (gasp!) every guy I date seems to think I have one thing on my mind- the M-R-S! I wish I lived some place where dating didn’t come with immediate suppositions of what I am looking for. BUT I do suppose that I would like to get married someday…just not today. or tomorrow.
This is a really interesting topic, especially as I am 23 and fresh back in Boston from my honeymoon! My husband and I make roughly 30k each, have no savings to speak of, and our careers just didn’t factor in to our decision to get married. Kids, yes, I think my career would factor in to that decision. But I’ve been in love with my husband for a long time and the desire to spend our lives together mattered more to us then how much was in our bank accounts or whether we’d get a raise soon…and we are both from upstate New York but have lived in urban areas since and throughout college. Yes, I have some marriage adverse friends who in the beginning thought I was too young to marry but I don’t feel like I get any crap these days. It is also really interesting to talk to my Midwestern friends who, like the other commenter, feel like the odd one out for not getting married by 25/26. It’s interesting to consider what effect a regional marriage culture has on one’s decisions, but at the end of the day I think its more about whether you’ve found the right person and whether you personally want to get married, no matter where you live.
Hmm, I’m not sure if this can be divided into an east coast west coast thing. I would think that in any large city that attracts career oriented people, the median marriage age would be older.
Of course there are acceptations (my hubs and I are NYers who married at 26) and we are our friends token married couple. But, I can tell you that we have neither financial nor career stability, and that didn’t negatively influence our desire to be married. In fact for me the idea of teaming up and helping each other make it through tough times was really appealing!
When you’re trying to make it in a really competitive field it’s nice to know you have someone in your corner.
So here is my suggestion- maybe the average 20 something’s who are trying to make it in LA and NY WANT to make it on their own before allowing someone else in. They are highly motivated “go getters” who are trying to prove something- mostly to themselves. Maybe the idea or bringing on a permanent partner can be threatening to that idea?
Just a thought. Great post btw!
Is 40K for an associate editor a lot or a little? I can’t tell…
So I’m 31, make $250K a year in NYC. I’m getting the full court press from my girlfriend of 3.5 years. I am so set career wise, and have a lot of ambition. Actually my business probably takes up 80% of my brain.
The strange thing is, I still feel like I’m not ready to settle down… Also although ive been to many weddings, most of the people in my HS class are still unmarried. No opinions here, just giving you a marginally successful single guy from NYC’s perspective. Oh yeah, I think environment has a very big influence. There are women everywhere here; married, unmarried, young, old it’s hard to commit when there are literally over a million choices.
professionals. I thank you to help making people more aware of possible issues.
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