I’m re-writing last Wednesday’s post – the one about learning to speak relationship.
When I wrote it, it didn’t feel quite right. I think I launched into it wrong and made it jokey-er that I originally intended. I re-read it the other day and decided I missed the point I was trying to make. It’s not that what I wrote isn’t true. It’s that it skirted the truer truth.
- “So re-write it,” R said.
- “But I already covered the topic.”
- “Just cover it again and say you don’t think you covered it right the first time.”
This from the man who wants to launch his own competitive blog (“No, no. Not competitive! Companion!) called 20-Everythings in which he writes one-to-five sentence retorts to my 700+-word postings.
- “So tell me, oh succinct one, what are your one-to-five sentences on my post about chameleon daters.”
- “Easy. A chameleon dater? You mean a girl who changes into everything you like. That’s amazing! Tell her you like to have sex four times a day.”
- “Hhmm. Okay. You’re not allowed to launch this blog.”
That aside – I’m taking his advice on the re-write. So here for a 20-Nothings first is:
It’s not the compromising (okay, we can have Italian if that’s what you want) or the expression of desire (could you please do the chop chop hands things on my lower back?) – the network tv couple stuff. That stuff isn’t unlike negotiating a relationship with three younger sister or seven gay best friends.
Where I’m rusty (if never having really done it qualifies as “rusty” versus infantile) is in the expression of feeling purely for feeling’s sake – loving talk, if you will.
My brain is not a place where sugar sweet sentiments are born…and survive. It’s more a pun factory specializing in alliteration and demi-snarky wit (as in NYmag not Gawker snarky). We also do sarcasm, but even I know that’s no way to hook a man.
So while I consistently feel things like, “I just love being with you,” or, “this was a really special night,” when I try to say them it comes out, “I just love being with you with the buffer of a crowded movie theater,” (squeezes boyfriend’s upper arm in show of seated affection), or, “aside from the part where you told me my outfit had some clown-like elements, this was a really special night” (looks longingly into the eyes of boyfriend, winks).
I believe my sweet glands are underdeveloped.
Unfortunately – right – fortunately, R’s are not. He feels it, he says it – no hold back, no joke suffix. He’s not a swooning, line schlocking Cassanova, but he has a strong command over the stop, drop sweet line, and roll.
What’s awkward about this – in addition to the fact that the he-to-me compliment ratio reads like a (insert names of two athletic teams, the first having recently creamed the second in an important game) score – is that I’m just as bad at receiving loving talk as I am at giving it. My knee-jerk is something along the lines of, “Oh, you don’t need to say that…” but I’m also good for a, “that’s very kind of you,” or – R’s favorite, “Wow, okay, I’m nervous now.” That’s if I can get out a line. Sometimes it’s just a giggle. I’m a 27-year-old girl – right – woman, who giggles when her boyfriend says something sweet. New life low.
- “This isn’t a competition, you know,” R said after around the 4th time he told me that, “that’s very kind of you,” is how his housekeeper responds to a compliment.
- “Mmm, that’s an interesting idea,” I said, “maybe if we make it a competition I’ll get better. I can be very competitive…”
The truth is, we all have our own styles. No, I don’t know how to talk like a girlfriend on Gossip Girl (but maybe you could script me some practice lines, Jeanne?), but that’s because it’s not my comfort level. Part of it is lack of practice, but most of it is because it’s not who I am. Where the “learning to speak relationship” part comes in (re-write version) is that for this specific situation, I want to learn.
As single people we have these personality principals that we hold onto with clenched fists. “I’m never going to be that girlfriend,” or, “I just wouldn’t be compatible with a guy who does that.“
You don’t know who you’re going to want to be after the strong and guarded single girl shell gets cracked. But the willingness to re-write yourself along the way – to stop and say, wait, sorry, I want to try that line or comment (or blog post…) again – I think that might be what they mean by growing up and into yourself.
Becoming someone else entirely (the chameleon dater, if you will) is never the right answer, but a girl who can say, “hey, you make me feel fantastic,” without a disclaimer or a giggle is a fair goal, and apparently, attainable.
- “Wow. Was that an unsolicited, sweet comment you just made?”
- “Yep. Please mark it down in my column.”
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I feel like many of us say lines like “aside from the part where you told me my outfit had some clown-like elements, this was a really special night” to protect ourselves from feeling like we’re revealing too much. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing. If anything, it’s kind of healthy.
It basically says to the other person, “I’m not good at this, but I’m trying.” I think lots of us (men & women) would rather hear someone tell us “I’m trying” than hear something that tells us, “I do this all the time.”
Alright. I really want to resist being someone that advocates self-help books, because I’m not that type of person, but this post reminded me of a book i was told about [http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-That-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=pd_sim_b_4] that makes a good point about what you are talking about.
The idea is that different people have different ways of expressing love, and one needs to figure out what their style is and how to ask for it, and also what their partner’s is and how to provide it. I, for example, am a person who expresses love through action–doing little things every day to make my partner’s life a little easier or show him that i was thinking of him in some way, and thats how I like love to be expressed to me. Some people are all about words, some are more about touch, etc. Trying to express love and affection the way your partner wants it to be expressed is a really helpful way to think of this.
Ok, so it feels like you’re living in my head. I’m also trying to navigate my first serious relationship with someone who is always paying me compliments, and snark, sarcasm and sometimes meaner than I meant to sound comments are not exactly useful. I agree with Benny, they’re probably all defense mechanisms, but I’m starting to see that I don’t need them in this relationship, I’m getting more comfortable with the compliments, and the sweetness. It comes with time I guess, as we get more comfortable with each other and the whole relationship, we become more able to reciprocate and to say what we want to say, without needing to add anything to it.
I completely am with you on this. Words don’t come out that way for me either, so I have to stick with finding ways to show love. It’s hard, because it takes much more thought and energy, but it’s the best I can do.
This post definitely reminds me of myself. I have a hard time -much like you- expressing the way I’m feeling to my boyfriend. He on the other hand, does it without qualm at all times. If he’s feeling it and thinking it then you better believe he’s saying it. I say things like “aww thanks” with a giggle when I’m receiving compliments or love sentiments from him. It (speaking relationship) does not come naturally to me at all. I’m trying and taking it day-by-day and sometimes I think I may be getting it. However, I’m merely fooling myself. LoL I still do not know how to speak relationship but I’m holding out hope that with much more practice it’ll become second nature.
Kudos on the great post!
Use the holidays as an opportunity to write a heart-felt, compliment filled card! We already know writing comes easy to you!
And a great post gets even better. I feel the same way – my brain just doesn’t think in a “sweet nothings” kind of way. It also doesn’t think in a “meaningful but casual touches” kind of way. So while I love those things coming from other people – esp the hypothetical bf – I never think to do them myself, slash if I do it feels so so awkward. I don’t know if it’s inherent to me, or if it’s the result of too many years of singledom…
I’ve also had the thought, though, that there are just fewer ways for girls to show their affection than for guys. Classic chivalry does a pretty good job of instructing guys as to how to show affection for their gf – open doors, hold coats, pull out chairs – all antiquated, yes, but nonetheless a socially-accepted-and-recognized way of making a woman feel special. Is there an equivalent for women? B/c I can never think of any, which makes me feel like I’m just out here on my own (which is dangerous, since, as I’ve already established, on my own is hard times for this issue)… Barring any societally-recognized shows of affection, what are some ways you actual in-a-relationship-know-what-you’re-doing women show affection for your man? (Can’t hurt to be prepared in case I ever find one, right?)
Oh MAN, do I feel your pain on this one. Not only that, but I have the misfortune of having a boyfriend who is the same way. SO by not issuing these sort of compliments in the beginning (when he sort of was), now they’ve dwindled and I miss them. I’ve tried to reinstate the sweetness and I’m met with comments like, “real people don’t talk like tv characters” and that’s true, real people show their appreciation over time, by doing things for one another, by deciding to change their lifestyle or plans or shoes for someone else.
Life will never be a fairytale, but everyone likes a funny girl. Keep at it, it will come more naturally with time. Believe me, I was THE single girl doubting herself in relationship lingo until VERY recently.
Like you said, you have to be yourself. It’s often the thing that you think is a fault about yourself that the person that falls in love with you will love about you. It seems like your sense of humor is very much a part of you. And…It sounds like your boyfriend gets it. If you start faking it you may end up resenting it later. Rolling your eyes and feeling like you are playing someone else (those TV characters). Then you may get really snarky.
That’s not to say you can’t work on being a little “nicer” but only if it feels genuine. And don’t resist revealing yourself. It’s really about how you reveal yourself. Because if you do want the relationship to evolve, you can’t be afraid to reveal your feelings. That is really what a relationship is all about. You can’t have total trust without some vulnerability.
So you can do it with a sense of humor if that gets you to say what you are feeling. And let the real sweet stuff come without words. Like some people commented, there are other ways of showing you care. It’s the little things that often go the farthest. Remembering a favorite candy and slipping it in their bag. Getting their favorite take-out on a bad day. A hug. And don’t underestimate texting. While I’m not an advocate of texting in the beginning of a relationship, once you are in a relationship is can be a great way to let someone know you’re thinking about them.