Bear with me. This is a little hard to explain.
The other day I was trying to express the fact that sometimes I have these moments where my “single girl badge of honor” rears its head. It’s almost devil-on-the-shoulder style – this tiny voice scoffing and then rolling her eyes at whatever couple-y activity I’m about to engage in or “we”-based compromise I make. “You know if you were single you wouldn’t have to _______,” she says.
Those are the things you think slash say when you’re a single girl or, rather, when you’re of the “single girl badge of honor” persuasion. It’s not really about being a member of the couple haters club, that’s all rooted in jealousy and insecurity. The single girl badge of honor is more about really relishing in all that it is to be single. It’s an entire world view that acknowledges the benefits of being in a wonderful relationship but holds the idea of independence as ideal.
“Weird. I don’t know,” the friend I was trying to explain this to said, “I think that’s a New York thing,”
And so a blog post was born.
Is single girl pride exclusive to single and proud New Yorkers?
First – let’s back up so I can attempt to better explain this badge of honor situation. We were at independence and world view…
Maybe the better way to explain it is to say that when you’re single for long enough you become a member of this sort of union – like Sally Field in that movie where she holds the UNION sign above her head. And as a member of that union it’s both your responsibility and privilege to advocate for all that it means to be a member.
The minute someone ends a relationship (dumper or dumpee) you’re there with a cocktail and rally cry for the benefits of spending time alone to really discover who you are. When a friend comes to you depressed about the inability to find one good man in this world you respond with a, “who needs a man!” speech – spend time on your passions! dive into your career! relish in your friendships! At a college friends’ wedding when everyone else is freaking out about the fact that, “we’re not getting any younger,” you’re the one reminding them just how young we really are. “You have your whole life to be married! Plus weddings are the best place for a make-out and run.” Bottom line: never would you ever suggest that getting a boyfriend is the solution to anything.
Or maybe the very best way to explain it is with this story.
Four girlfriends and I were enjoying a night out on the town. We were 24, maybe 25? It was one of those nights that started with, “let’s go dancing!” and ended around 3am at Sam’s Falafel. Somewhere between the dance floor and the hummus run, one among our group got a little down in the dumps – beer tears style. At first she wouldn’t tell us what was wrong, but I stole a moment in the cab for confrontation. “Don’t tell the other girls,” she finally confessed, “but I think I really, really want a boyfriend.”
That’s the exact scenario my L.A. friend was crying “so New York” about. This common 20-something mentality that a girl is better off without a relationship at that point in her life and that wanting one makes you less of a strong individual. According to my friend, most 20-something girls are relationship-oriented, not single-oriented. Meaning if you asked any single, mid-twenties girl in any other city whether or not they really want a boyfriend, they’d say yes.
“But it makes sense,” my friend said, “based on the kind of girls who want to live in Manhattan.”
And with that the plot thickened.
So not only is it that the single girl badge of honor is exclusive to NYC, but those who wear it were pre-disposed to the mentality, and their choice of Manhattan as a home supports that predisposition. The chicken/egg question has an answer, and it’s worldview first, city second. Something(s) about Manhattan make it a place where girls who are not inclined to desire a boyfriend want to live. The focus on career? The need to be independent? The fact that getting by on your own is a source of pride?
“I can see it,” R said as I explained the gist of this blog post to him, “You get yourself all set up in your tiny apartment, managing everything all on your own, and you feel good about that, like I came here to make it and I am. I could see how adding another person into that might not be desirable or practical. It’s about being on your own.”
The topic had gone from a musing about a curious devil on my shoulder to a city-based sociological theory – per usual.
“But regardless, I think it’s something you grow out of,” he added.
I can handle a few twists and turns in a topic, but this was getting out of hand. Now not only is it specific to a given city for a myriad of reasons but now it’s also a phase we enter into and out of based on life stage and life goals.
The devil on my shoulder was too confused to comment – as was I – which means the rest is up to you.
What’s your take? Why? And apparently, most importantly, where to do you live?
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Im 23 and I live in Toronto, they say its Canada’s answer to New York, i say this because it may tie into your argument.. if you can prove that Toronto and New York match in some way.
I am also newly single and sure, because of that, i may have a ra ra im single bitches attitude. But i truly do feel that single is the best way to be.
Dont get me wrong i miss the cuddles, but cuddles don’t top independence, and hand holding doesnt come close to the freedom to swing your arms on the way to the club.
If i find someone who can handle me and we can get along in mutual dysfunction for the rest of my life.. awesome. if not, life has so much more to offer then a soul mate.
Maybe its a single/city/life phase thing, i think its a “seeing the bigger picture” thing.
Here’s something that’s tough to wrap my mind around:
LA, from what I hear, is a hard place for a single girl in terms of hetero male-hetero female ratio. That’s what I’ve heard, anyway, from perfectly attractive women who live there. That most men are gay or just terribly shallow people who don’t see the appeal of a relationship.
In theory, wouldn’t LA be the ultimate place for a girl to say, “I’m going to be independent and I don’t need a guy?”
That’s what I can’t get my mind around.
New York is such an interesting place in that regard. My belief has always been that people are so incredibly individual-minded partially because of how commonplace human interaction is. You never have to reach out to people like you do in less dense places. You can go home feeling exhausted by people and forget that you haven’t talked to a single one of them. I have to wonder if that relates to the “gotta be single” mentality.
I also identify with the desire to be part of “team single.” But I’ve discovered that you can make a single person feel like you’re on their team even when you’re not… it’s just a lot more challenging. When you’re single, it comes naturally to say to the sad friend, “you’re fine now,” but when you’re not single, it’s easier to find yourself saying something like, “you’ll be fine when you meet your next boy/girlfriend,” which is, of course, not what they should be hearing…
I’m 25 in PA and I really think my “single girl badge” depends on the day. Having been single for quite some time, I have this feeling that I will never meet someone. But then there are days where I realize I’m still to independent for commitment. So my badge ebbs and flows with my emotions and needs but in general it’s there because of who I am not my surroundings.
I’m 25 from CT. The past 2 years I lived in Reno, NV (a city that certainly has no comparison) and just moved to Philadelphia. I have been in a relationship for a few months now.
Before Boyfriend (BBF), I was very single and embraced every minute of enjoyment the unattached lifestyle brings.
Even now, I get twitchy doing traditionally couply things. I feel like I need to let people know that, “yes I am in a relationship, but I have not lost my ability to function outside of the boyfriend.”
And even though I am quite happy with my relationship, I still refuse to try and match up friends or dispense condescending couple advice to my single girls.
I’m still resisting the settling down that is expected. I think that just comes from being independent. Maybe it’s not a New York City thing, but more of an East Coast vibe.
How about a trans-Atlantic perspective. I live in London, England. It’s a similar thing here, for years I was that single girl, propping up her friends, telling them to move on, concentrate on themselves etc. Now I’m part of a couple (and that sometimes makes me squirm), I’m still independent and forthright, I still think you don’t need a man to complete you, but it’s ok to want one.
I roll my eyes at certain couple conventions, I don’t like holding hands much, I squirm away from ‘us’ at times, but he’s lovely and I’m happy and that’s the important bit, right.
I’ve been in a wonderful relationship for 4 years now, and I still have moments where I think to myself, “As much as I love my bf, being single would be so much simpler!”
I’m from Australia. I know a lot of happy and unhappy single girls.
Really well put Abigail.
I am 25 from Baltimore and spent the first 24 of those as a single girl. By the time I turned 20 I wore my “single girl badge of honor” with pride.
I started my relationship with my boyfriend dragging my feet, refusing to sink into the dreaded “coupledom” that had consumed many a fabulous girl. I still hold on to my creedo of independance, am slow to join the “we” movement and jump at the slightest accusation of being one of “them” – the paired off. The learning curve is steep. Luckily I have a guy who gets that, even loves that about me.
Lately I feel myself cracking. Enjoying all those things I once believed I was above – sharing meals in restaurants, built in weekend plans, the enjoyment of getting to know someones everything over the excitement of first date mystery.
As to the question of whether or not we grow out of it, I can’t be sure. What I do know is that I have proven to myself I would perfectly capable, happy in fact, to make it on my own and so there is no need to be with another person unless that person is extraordinary.
I live in Cincinnati, OH and feel like I am one of the last “Single Girl Badge” Toting ladies around here. I love being single. I even have a tattoo to remind me that being with myself is the best relationship I had ever been in. A a relationship is only worth it if it is better than being alone.
But in a world of married friends and single friends who cry frequently about “never getting married or having babies” – I feel like an endangered species.
That said, I don’t have any aversion to meeting someone. I just haven’t met that someone who makes my life easier, better, more. And until then- I am going to continue being proud of my life and everything I have done for myself, by myself!
I love this single girl badge of honor thing. I live in Washington, D.C. and I can completely relate. Sure, sometimes I want to be in a relationship— but when I am single, I am good at it and I love every minute of it.
It’s certainly not just a New York thing. I live in the UK, about 2 hours away from London so not even a big city gal. Having been single for what some consider far too long and enjoyed every moment of it I’ve just started seeing someone who lives in London. I’ve just postponed a weekend away, forcing him to see me instead of vice versa, because an event I could have easily passed up on, but didn’t want to, came up. That’s why I baulk at relationships that inability to just do things because you want to but having to think about how it effects ‘us’. Wear your “single girl badge of honor” wherever you are, say I!
I’m 27, and I live in New Haven, CT. I’ve had flings here and there, but really only one very serious relationship. I’ve spent a lot of my teen and adult years yearning for my “other half” while diving into life and gaining all these new experiences.
Over the past year I have really become comfortable and happy with all that I am able to do for myself. Really, there has never been a better date for myself than me! It has begun to dawn on me that I really have no idea how I could fit a relationship in. I’ve filled my life full of so many other things (two jobs, grad school, infinite activities in the community and with my friends, etc.), and I really can’t even picture a guy who could outshine what I currently have. As it is, when I do have free time, I just want to read a book or do some other solitary activity.
Is it a city/East Coast thing? It might be, but I’m not convinced. I grew up in MI, and I am part of a dwindling crowd who does not have a wedding or babies in their near future. Out here, people definitely take longer, but there are many that I can think of that have started families.
Sometimes I wonder if it has to do with income level growing up. The friends I know out here who have husbands/families/babies all came from fairly low-income homes. For the most part, they are much less career-focused than I am and much more family-focused. One of my married friends has been trying desperately to hook me up with one of her husband’s friends. The first time I resisted, she said, “Well you don’t want to start a family when you’re 50!”. Aside from that being quite a long time from now, I pointed out that I’m considering not ever having a family. Let me tell you, her eyeballs nearly popped out of her head.
I think the best way to go is to have a non-committal relationship where you can do whatever you wish to do but you both understand that you will support each other in your own journey. You both understand also that if you need each other you will be there whatever the situation is and the love would be unconditional.
I don’t know if that set up possible but I think if you both have a deeper connection that would be possible.
I think it does relate to Manhattan… I live here… but I go back and forth.
I’m 25 and live in Atlanta, GA. Yes, everyone here is close to or has already jumped on the marraige bandwagon, but I’m single and have never had a serious “boyfriend-girlfriend” relationship ever. I’ve dated here and there, so I’m not foreign to the concept, but I wear my “single girl badge of honor” extremely proudly. I honestly love me and I think that when the right guy comes around I’ll be more than ready for him to love me too, but in the meantime…I’m going to be dancing, flirting, partying my way through singledom. As my friend who was just dumped says, “You are so good at picking up guys and just talking about anything with them.” Maybe I’m on to something…
I went to school in the Northeast and do have many more single and pround friends up there than down South, but I don’t think that defines the “single girl badge of honor”. When there are more single girls, the “badge of honor” becomes less meaningful, whereas in a town where being in a couple is the thing to do…being single needs a “badge of honor”.