Some people are always concocting half-baked theories about why things are the way they are in the interpersonal department. Theories like why some girls are always attracted to assholes and why some guys seems to prefer crazy girls and why after three months you know if you really want to be dating someone or not.

Some people think they know everything.

Other people dole out their theories far less frequently, which is why I took a pause in our walk from the Farmer’s Market back home to hear Mike’s latest.

We had been talking about the dreaded three words. Well, dreaded if you’re Mike and me and over-think every element of a relationship to the point where even the happiest milestones are marred in neuroses.

I was saying I thought the moment needed to be incredibly special/meaningful/cinematic – Mike was agreeing. Mike was saying he thought the moment needed to be fairly serious, as in you can’t say it silly/jokingly and count that – I was agreeing. This may or may not be how we always end up going 100 dollars over budget in decor for every holiday party…

Then Mike – who has blessedly grown less over-analytical through his year + relationship – dropped this knowledge.

• “I think the pursuer can’t say “I love you” first.
• “Wait, what?” (I was trying to remember what pursuer meant…)
• “Yeah, I think that the person who was really driving it from the beginning isn’t the person who says “I love you” first
• Right. That person. Why?
• Balance of power. It’s like they already put their neck out their big time to make the relationship happen. Now the other person is up.

I was inclined to argue immediately. For as many rules as I write, my ultimate rule is that there aren’t any. Relationships are built on far stranger set-ups than the pursuer both igniting the relationship and saying those three words first. Maybe that person is just more vocal? More comfortable? Less neurotic…

I think the “I love you” is wildly important, which is why the idea of it as a pawn in the battle of who holds the cards in the relationship rubbed me the wrong way. At first…

Then I got to thinking about what it feels like to be the pursuer – the one who takes the leap of faith to say, “Do you want to grab a drink?” and then, “I really like you…” and then, “I want us to be dating.” For as sure as you can be that the other person’s “me too” (x 3) is genuine, there is always that doubt. It is easier to say “me too.” And some people are built of “me too” cloth – especially when it comes to relationships. Imagine if you’re the type of pursuer in the type of situation where you feel like you’ve gotten to each phase first and therefore made each phase happen, in a way.

In most cases, the pursuer knows how they feel. They may slash probably even know that they feel love of the “I love you” level before their slower half. Maybe they figure, what the heck, I’ve gone this far, may as well throw it all out on the line, plop the “I love you” down on the table, and find out once and for all where I stand.

Or maybe for some pursuers, no matter how bold, those three words are a sort of hold off. They felt strongly, they acted strongly, but now a level of self-preservation kicks in, and they need the other person in this relationship to meet them where they are before they’re willing to go further. It’s less a power play and more a protection play. Some people are willing to be fully vulnerable without knowing or caring what they’re going to get back. Others are more comfortable with things built on a clearer degree of relationship milestone equality.

I still stand where I did with my “no theory is perfect” ruling, but I have to admit Mike’s assessment holds water. I have to also admit that by “holds water” I mean that things played out according to his prescribed plan in the story of my own 3-word dance. And I do believe the fact that the pursuee in my relationship said it first helped us both feel more secure about everything involved in it being said.

But MAN was I nervous…