I have a list of go-to places I peruse when I don’t have any new ideas for a blog post. The Modern Love archives of The New York Times, TheFrisky.com, Slate, and the typical list of lady glossies (Marie Claire, Cosmo, Harper’s Bazaar, etc.). They usually feature something that jogs some idea that turns into some rambling that I can stick a beginning and ending on and get away with as a post.
This time it wasn’t one but rather a collection of headlines that caught my interest: a Modern Love essay about a woman who stayed in a loveless marriage for far too long, a first-person story on The Frisky about someone whose friends staged an intervention to convince her that her boyfriend was a disaster, a “how to stop dating guys who are wrong for you” guide.
It wasn’t the idea that people stay in relationships that are wrong for them that struck me. That’s a fact as old as dating itself. I’ve done it, you’ve done it, some of you are probably doing it right now.
But inside each of the pieces I read was an equally common fact that I only found once I read between the lines. The Modern Love writer discovered through therapy that she had been battling depression for many years. The girl from The Frisky was in the midst of a total quarter life crisis when she started dating Mr. Wrong. And for as many “walk away and don’t look back” directions that the “how to” guide advised there were just as many suggestions to “pursue things that make you happy outside of your relationship.”
I’m going to admit something that’s about to make me seem like a heartless person, but I used to think people stayed in bad relationships because they were either too dumb to get out or too insecure to be alone. But what I realized through the very different stories in each of the articles I found is that some people are in a place where they truly don’t know what “good” or “happy” is.
Someone struggling with depression has such a bleak view of what their world should be that a bad relationship just becomes status quo in relation to all the other pain and difficulty in their life. To someone in a tailspin of confusion and transition a volatile partner just seems to fit everything else they’re going through. To a person who doesn’t know how to get themselves to a happy place, instability and unhappiness is just par for their life course.
It’s not exactly about expectations, but that’s a piece of it. Happy, stable people know what they want and expect out of themselves and so they know what to want and expect out of a significant other. People who either are or are going through a time when life doesn’t get much better than a 3 or 4 on a daily basis don’t even understand what being with a 10 could be like. They date 4’s because they feel 4.
You hear people say it all the time, and each of the stories I read included the same kind of line: “I honestly didn’t know it was that bad.”
Now that makes perfect sense to me. How could you know something is that bad if you’re in a place where you don’t expect anything to be good?
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I used to be the same as you… “how dumb can you be to stay with them!…” but over the last few years I’ve witnessed one or two of these and it’s not nice
I don’t think I’ve ever been in a bad relationship (that would require me to have been in an actual relationship!) but I know I’ve been in a few situations with guys and friends have told me I’m being a moron letting him use me like that…I didn’t feel like I deserved more…it all made sense at the time! But now I have the opposite problem! No one is ever good enough! I really need to find the middle ground…
This is totally true of my experiences. My unhealthy relationships have coincided with times in my life when I’ve been unhappy with all kinds of other stuff, but I never really connected the two. Just sort of saw it as “how it was”. I realize in retrospect I should have ended those relationships sooner than I did, but it can become impossible to see clearly with everything else in life clouding my outlook. I’m now feeling more balanced and content with life than ever, and am finding myself easing into what seems like it could be (fingers crossed) the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. Great post – I’d say you hit the nail on the head.
I’m with little miss. Although I’ve never been in a bad “relationship” I’ve had my fair share of bad “friendships” where I’ve been used and abused. (Refer to any of my blog entries where I site ‘Delta’).
I’m still working on being happy with me and expecting more for myself. I tend to sell myself short and it’s time to stop that!
I am sorry you are in a bad relationship! I can suggest a good therapist!
You say to your suffering loved one, “You deserve better.”
And they cock an eyebrow and look at you all confused.
What a fantastic analysis. I never thought about it like this, but it makes so much sense. We settle on others because we’ve settled on each other. And sadly, its when were’ down that we are most desperate for confirmation/reassurance from others, usually in the form of a relationship.
Interesting… explains a lot o fmy past. hahaha!
This brings up a question for me that I’ve often wondered about. If someone is in transition and they don’t know what they want in life, does it make sense for them to seek a partner who’s going through the same thing in hopes that they could relate and maybe figure things out together? Is that a recipe for a bad relationship? I guess it might depend, but I’m interested if anyone has opinions on that.
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