*(photo credit below)
Lori Gottlieb has done it again.
You may remember that name from the wildly controversial article she wrote for The Atlantic called Marry Him! The Case For Settling later expanded into a book. I actually wrote about it long, long ago.
Now Gottlieb is back with an equally buzz-building article (with an equally grabby title): How To Land Your Kid In Therapy.
It’s a great and fascinating read with plenty of perspective. Unfortunately it’s hard to have perspective when reading it because the article is essentially about how to prevent your kids from becoming us – us being this generation of 20-somethings who, according to the article, are seeking counseling in surprisingly high numbers for surprisingly minor issues and, “just generally felt a sense of emptiness or lack of purpose…”
“Here I was, seeing the flesh-and-blood results of the kind of parenting that my peers and I were trying to practice with our own kids, precisely so that they wouldn’t end up on a therapist’s couch one day. We were running ourselves ragged in a herculean effort to do right by our kids—yet what seemed like grown-up versions of them were sitting in our offices, saying they felt empty, confused, and anxious. Back in graduate school, the clinical focus had always been on how the lack of parental attunement affects the child. It never occurred to any of us to ask, what if the parents are too attuned? What happens to those kids?”
I really recommend reading the article in full. I really don’t recommend passing the article along to your parents. I’m still on the fence about my feelings on this one, but I hope to gather some thoughts for a reaction post tomorrow. Feel free to share your reactions in comments.
*cartoon by LOU BROOKS, featured in The Atlantic.
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I really thought it was a good article making some astute observations. I’m a late twenty something who has been in therapy before for anxiety and depression and dealt with a lot of the same feelings–of failure, emptiness, etc she describes (while actually having had a top notch education, good enough childhood (though there are actual childhood traumas), great and stimulating jobs). I came to many of her conclusions through my own trial and error and for the past few years have been “re-rearing” myself. I’ve described it to friends as having to start from scratch and teach myself the values and realistic world views that were not provided. My parents were great, but they were totally of the “you are amazing, you can do anything you put your mind too, you are a genius” which, while it makes you fell good at the time, doesn’t really prepare you for feeling like you are doing good work if your standard is “super amazing career that you just couldn’t possible wait another minute to do”. The reality for most of us is that we aren’t going to find a perfect job (or family) even if we knew what to look for. So the real question we have to ask ourselves is: how do we build a meaningful and coherent life. I don’t agree that this type of parenting necessarily creates spoiled children (I don’t think she said that, but some commenters on the article did)–I work well with others and don’t feel entitled. What I used to feel is that something must be wrong with me (not with the world) for not finding the “perfect” situation. A spoiled child would think the world “owed” them something. Anyway, I’m rambling and incoherent, it’s been a long day. I will say this though: there is hope for us! I like to think of myself as good example. When you learn to cut through the crap you were brainwashed with as a child about being God’s gift to man, you can find it’s much easier to find meaning and coherence in your life. 😀 –meg
I remember experiencing some of the same feelings as well, especially when I was in college. However, I don’t think any of it had to do with how my parents raised me, at least in the sense that you can point your finger to one source. I just think it’s a condition of our society that makes us think that we’re missing something, or that we’re going to go to a great school, graduate, find the perfect job, find the perfect person to marry… and on and on.
I definitely did not see this from my parents. My mother’s job was far less than perfect and most of the time she was working 60 hour weeks. My parents have had their fights. Neither of them put ideas into my head that everything would work out to be perfect.
In fact, I managed to overcome my sense of melancholy in a life of the superbly ‘ok’ when I did end up failing. Accepting that failure is a necessary part of everything wasn’t easy, but it sure took the pressure off to be perfect.