Last Saturday night I found myself at The Rosewood Tavern on Fairfax in West Hollywood.

I’m a fan of almost everything about that bar. Amazing beer and liquor list. Delicious English pub-style food. Big room with high ceilings. Tons of Edison bulbs.

But unfortunately, The Rosewood Tavern made a tragic error in the design and build-out of their large bar/pub space, an error far too many otherwise perfect establishments commit.

There’s only one women’s bathroom, and it’s a single stall.

If you have ever been a woman who has to go to the bathroom after consuming 1-3 alcoholic beverages, you know what a total and complete disaster a single stall sitch can present. Though, to be clear, it’s not the single stall’s fault. Yes, one toilet option for any number of pee-pee dancing ladies is seven toilets too few, but that’s mostly because of a similarly tragic flaw in the design and build-out of women.

Some of them don’t know how to go to the bathroom. And when you insert alcohol into the equation, that “some” becomes “most.”

Last Saturday night at The Rosewood Tavern “most” became ALL. I waited in that bathroom line for 15 minutes (yes, I timed it) even though there were only 3, that’s right 3 women in front of me. I can barely divide, and I still know that’s too much time! What in god’s name are you doing in a public bathroom at a loud bar when you know there are 5 people in line to pee??

Some thoughts:

• You are snorting coke. I’ve never done that, but according to the movies it doesn’t take 5 MINUTES!! Also, Rosewood Tavern is not Voyeur, so please leave here and go there.

• You are re-doing your make-up. Again, that’s not a full five-minute process. It should take 2-minutes, tops. If you feel you need longer, you should just go home.

• You are talking to your friend who you brought into the bathroom with you. A. Don’t do that. We’re adults now. The time for pulling that move has passed. And B. If you’re going to do that, DO IT FASTER.

• You are making poops. I understand. Sometimes something “comes over you”, and you must take care of that something before you are in trouble. That’s mostly fine, but I’d prefer you do what you can to mitigate the situation, then promptly leave the bar for the comforts of your own bathroom.

Here, for those of you who seem to be very unfamiliar, here is exactly what should go on in the bathroom. I’ve added time-stamps to help you actualize this process.

• You enter, and place one of those paper protectors on the toilet: 00:05

• You pull down your pants/tights/skirt (note: if you are wearing a jumpsuit, please add an additional 00:03 seconds): 00:03

• You pee. Let’s pause here for a moment to discuss how you should be peeing when you’re in a single stall bathroom with five people in line behind you. The answer is, quickly. Push it out kids. This is no time for a leisurely sit-and-stream. 00:08

• You get up and put your underthings/pants/skirt back on (same as above on the jumpsuit situation, but, if you know the bar is rocking a single stall, it would be kinder to not wear the suit) 00:03

• You wash your hands: 00:05

• You dry those hands: 00:03

• You check yourself out in the mirror (while I don’t support this from a time-perspective, I realize it is inevitable) 00:05

We’re at 39 seconds, and that’s including the jump-suit allows!! Do you know how many seconds LESS THAN 5 minutes that is?? A LOT (I can’t subtract either).
Bottom line ladies (pun obviously intended), please, PLEASE pee with more respect toward your fellow females in line.
Or, for a more memorable mantra – PEE IT FORWARD.
…which reminds me of another issue I’ve been meaning to discuss. WHAT IS WITH ALL THE SEAT SPRINKLE???