I have a friend who just announced that she’s pregnant with her third child. She runs a flourishing business that she started in her early 20s. She’s successfully breaking into several other fields based on her diverse passions. She recently renovated her entire house.
Aaanndd she’s only 1.5 years older than I am.
It would appear as though waiting until her career was established to start a family didn’t factor into her plans. We haven’t spoken about this, so I can’t say that she had specific plans, or whether her current life followed those specific plans. All I do know is that she wanted to have three children and felt the time was right to complete the brood. In doing so, she’s moving beyond the “family building” phase of life (at least the early stages of it) before I’ve remotely considered starting my own.
What if that’s the better/smarter/more efficient way to do it? Have kids when you’re 24-26 (only, of course, if you’re in a position to have those kids, at that age), and then by the time you’re in your early 30s you’ve got the motherhood thing under control so you can focus attention on your career? Do you end up ahead or behind? Did you miss out on anything? Are these even questions that can ever be answered?
In the case of this example, my friend never stopped focusing on her career to have and raise her children, nor does one have to. I guess the real question is, if a person only has the bandwidth to give one thing 100%, does it make sense to stack kids before career?
My personal philosophy is born as much from circumstance as belief. I was single and unable to care for a child from 24 through now (both financially and responsibility-wise). If I had been married things may have been different, but to be honest I think I’ve always planned to get my career as secure as possible before moving into the child-rearing phase of life. But what’s that ordering based on? I don’t know. I guess my belief that having children in the middle of my 20s would damage my career path. According to the example of my friend, that’s not true.
So what if I was a 28-year-old with a four-year-old child? Would my career be on hold? Would I feel like I’m behind in life? Or would I feel at ease because I’ve started a family and can focus on raising that family while continuing to build a career?
This is not a rhetorical question. I’d love any thoughts/positions/experiences on the topic.
Is there any benefit to starting a family early? Career benefit? Personal benefit? Am I right to look at this friend and say, “hhmm, that’s one seemingly smart way to do it,” or is there no such thing as a smart way to do something as life-changing as starting a family?
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I think it is definitely a personal preference. Different people will handle the exact same situation in very different ways. Your friend seems able to stay organized and focused on the various aspects of her life all at once. Other people are not as good at the juggling or delegating.
My mom had me when she was in the first year of starting her own private medical practice…talk about a stressful time to have a kid. But, in my opinion, she handled it really well. I never felt that my working mom was missing from my childhood and her practice has flourished. Starting a family and a career can certainly be done at the same time. However, that path may not be for everyone.
For me, I feel like babies require a lot of money and being established will give me that money. I’m 28 and living with my boyfriend but I am by no means ready to get married or have babies because I know that requires money and we just don’t have it. Tough way to look at it, but that’s my situation.
Those that are successful early on, like your friend, are the lucky few that can do it all.
I agree that it’s a big decision to have kids, and it has a lot to do with your personal preference and your overall life situation. I know I want to have kids someday, but I’m neither in a life situation or career position to consider that option right now, nor am I so dedicated to the idea that I’d change things to make it more possible. All in good time, I say.
Slightly related, I just saw “Friends with Kids” a movie with Adam Scott, Mya Rudolph, Kristen Wigg and John Hamm, that dealt with 30-somethings and the issue of when to have kids if you haven’t found your “person” yet. It was a neat look at different types of relationships overall.
From a completely different point of view, there are some academic papers that argue that we’ve (society) got it all wrong. Women are made to be birthing children in their early 20’s and if we facilitated that better, instead of driving the career aspirations and education early, we’d have more women that can have a young family, take time from the workforce to do it and then tackle their career following childbirth in their late 20’s to early 30’s. There are massive penalties to women both financially and in their career progression from opting for children later in their career, but that’s an economists viewpoint, not my person viewpoint (which is a totally different story!)
Great post on an tough topic that’ll have lots of different opinions.
There are two thoughts that came to mind while reading this.
1) This reminds me a lot of the hullaballoo that’s being pushed in the press at the moment around Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook. She’s an outspoken advocate on the career/family balance (has children herself, in her mid 40s). I wonder if we can stand to learn from her, seeing as (with the IPO coming out soon) she’s about to become richer than Oprah and JK Rowling. One point she makes is that who you marry is the most important career choice you’ll make – in this instance, choosing someone who is willing to divide the domestic and childcare tasks frees you up to pursue your career more fully. She’s said some interesting things – I highly recommend finding out more about her.
2) Health wise, I agree with Kimberley’s comment about the point academic papers are making. I don’t have a source for you, but it’s my understanding that, biologically, women are healthiest having children in their early twenties, with fertility rapidly decreasing as we age, careening downwards after 30. Sometimes I wonder if the ‘artificial’ nature of prolonging this childless state is throwing off the life cycle to our detriment.
(Exactly how it might be to our ‘detriment’, I can’t fully explain – I’m too much a child of women from the Margaret Thatcher era and eviscerating glass ceilings to fully rationalise other perspectives.)
Hah – on the whole health thing. I think about what my life would have to have been like re: dating if I were forced to have children in my already past years (early 20’s)…. sure some people got it right early, but I look back at my relationship history and I am thankful I didn’t *have* to have children early. Can you imagine what society would have to be like for that to be completely the norm? Crazy.
I’m curious to know her financial situation. Did she marry well off? Did she have family money? What made it possible for her and her husband work and start a family? Was he a stay at home dad? What are their annual incomes like? I think finances come into play moreso than anything when thinking about kids in your early life vs your later life.
I think that people can always come of with a reason not to have children… not enough money, not a stable enough job, not a big enough house, not mature enough, etc. Honestly, almost no one is ACTUALLY ready until you have the kid and are forced to actually raise him/her. If a women is married in her early 20’s and knows she wants to have kids, she might as well go for it while she’s younger. You can have a career and kids too. Lots of women do it everyday.