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What Writing Freelance Fashion Articles Has Done To My Brain

September 23, 2013
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Like many writers of blogs and would-be TV shows, I too have a freelance writing gig. Mine is writing fashion reviews for an entertainment website. These are not to be confused with fashion culture pieces for the Sunday Styles section. My hard-hitting investigations have titles like, “Rack Report! Taylor Swift Showcases Some Unexpected Side-Boob!” And no, that’s not a fake example.

My not-so-secret secret is that I love this freelance gig (which I’ve decided to keep under wraps because I’ve always made it a point to keep my employers off this blog. Also, I write under a nome de plume – because how cool is that?! – so it wouldn’t matter anyway). I am paid to wake up every morning and troll the Internet for pictures of celebrities wearing gorgeous, super expensive clothes that I then get to pass judgement on in 200 word articles as if I a. know what I’m talking about and b. don’t shop exclusively at Marshalls! If that’s not the American dream then I don’t know what is.

That said I’ve noticed that this moonlighting in the morning (I work from 8am to 1pm) has had some bizarre effects on my brain. It doesn’t function exactly as it did prior when it comes to the topic of fame and fashion.  And not only is it affecting my daily life, but it’s also creeping into my writing outside this writing! Here are some examples:

  • I find that 85% of the sentences I now write contain some form of alliteration. Case in point: That said I’ve noticed that this Moonlighting in the Morning (I work from 8am to 1pm) has had some Bizarre effects on my Brain. It doesn’t Function exactly as it did prior when it comes to the topic of Fame and Fashion. Conversely, when I write a sentence containing no alliteration, it sounds super weird and wrong to me.
  • I hate all of my clothes, and all I want to do is buy evening gowns.
  • I genuinely believe that if I were in the same room as either Heidi Klum or Lena Dunham, they would somehow know that I’ve repeatedly torn their clothes a new one and hate me. Same goes for Zooey Deschanel, though I’ve only criticized the fact that she always wears black tights, so maybe she’d let that go?
  • When I see someone wearing something similar to my own outfit I think, “Bitch Stole My Look!” sometimes out loud…
  • I now believe it’s completely acceptable to wear a midriff top to absolutely any event in your life. 
  • I said, “Love that look! Who are you wearing?” to a stranger the other day. 
  • I could tell you what Miley Cyrus has worn morning, noon and night for the past two weeks. I could not tell you what I ate for dinner on Friday night.
  • Gone is my understanding of what a normal, female body should look like. My current answer would be Scarlett Johansson-shaped. That’s how bad it’s gotten. 
  • I get legitimately annoyed with celebrities I really like where god-awful clothes. Yes, I’m talking about you, Nicole Richie, and if you keep it up this friendship is going to be over before it ever started..

Like I said – things are super weird, but on the bright side I can now pronounce Givenchy with flawless execution and have developed a list of at least 1/2 a dozen things that rhyme with fashion (passion, crashin’, cashin’, lastin’ – slant rhyme but still…).   


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