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| *No. I will not be bedazzling the bottom of my wedding shoes |
A few weeks ago I had a general meeting that started the way most of my meetings start lately. The person on the comfy chair opposite my comfy chair said, “so, what’s going on in your life?” to which I replied, “well, I’m getting married in May, so mostly that.”
Then that person usually replies with something along the lines of wow, congrats, that’s soon!, how are things going?, are you so excited for the wedding! I’m a pro at this point, so I know just how to respond: thanks! 6 months away, things are going really well, and yes I’m incredibly excited!
But on this specific occasion that person did not reply with something along those lines. Instead she said, “congrats! how do you feel about getting married?“
Not, how is the planning going? Band or DJ? Where is the wedding? Do you have your dress? But, what’s your state of mind on matrimony?
I wasn’t prepared for that question. I think I said something like, “I feel great about it.”
More than a few people to whom I recounted this story said, “omg how rude!” (aka the Stephanie Tanner response) but the more I thought about the interaction, the more I appreciated the question. I shouldn’t be getting married unless I know how I feel about marriage – not only my pending marriage but marriage in general, right? So yes, it’s a bold thing to ask a perfect stranger – almost akin to, “what’s your stance on religion,” or, “how are you feeling about the existence of a God?” but in an age where marriage is no longer a given, is it really that bold?
Though, maybe that’s an even bolder thing to say. Marriage isn’t a given.
We may not have shifted into quite that questionable of a relationship with the institution, but I don’t think things are the same as they once were. Take this article in the New York Times (Gay Couples, Choosing to Say ‘I Don’t). Here’s an excerpt:
“Now that same-sex couples in 14 states have all the rights and responsibilities of straight married couples, gay couples are rushing to the altar, right? Not exactly. Plenty of gay couples do not want to marry, and their reasons are as complex — and personal — as any decision to wed.
I don’t think this thought process is yet the case for about 75% of the population, but I do think our generation considers marriage in a different light than those previous, perhaps because of conversations like this born out of the gay marriage debate. And I think that’s a really good thing.
Before R and I got engaged I thought a lot about whether or not I wanted to get married. I curiously didn’t think about whether or not I wanted to be with R. That I’ve been certain about for a very long time. But I wanted to be sure that when R asked me to marry him my “yes” would be a real and honest answer. Not, yes, I want to have a wedding! but, yes, I want to be a married person.
My reasons are personal, of course. I didn’t share them with the person who asked me in that general meeting, and I’m not going to share them right now. But I think it’s important that I have them, and I’m grateful to the state of marriage in our world for forcing me to come up with them, even if it made for a super awkward 30 seconds on a comfy chair.
Jessie Rosen
Jessie Rosen resides physically in LA and mentally in NY. She writes scripts, books, articles, sex stories, branded content and killer e-mails.
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I think there are a lot of things that aren’t a given anymore – marriage included. Generally, people are questioning tradition and if it works for them realizing that not everyone needs or wants to follow the same path. I’ve seen this progression a lot lately in terms of having children and I like that it encourages people to look a little deeper into themselves and their choices.
This is wonderful. I’ve been thinking a lot about that too. I think a lot of people don’t actually think about the marriage part they just think about the wedding part.
And this is how it should. Whether you opt for marriage or not, there should be some rational reasoning behind it, just as with any other important decision you make. I agree with the above comment in that most people envision the wedding, and NOT the marriage, which is a recipe for disaster. You’ve got the right approach.
I have been struggling with the idea that many marry just to get married instead of to be married. Your post has summed up how I have been feeling but didn’t know how to put it in words that others understood. Now, with the help of your thoughts, I can finally convey clearly my point of view that being married to another is more important than getting married.
I struggled with the question “what does marriage mean to me?” in my previous relationship. I left the 3 1/2 year relationship because my partner didn’t want to get married. Ever. As it turns out, he didn’t want to marry me, because he just got married about a year ago. It helped me realize that there is a difference between being a bride and being a wife. You are a bride for one day, but you need to go into a marriage with the mindset that you will forever be someone’s wife.
People marry for many reasons: emotional, financial, social, etc but I’m very glad that we live in an era where women (thankfully!) can choose who they marry because (even though we currently make 77 cents to every $1 a man makes on average) we aren’t marrying because of status/financial dependencies. If we really really want that nice fancy dinner, we can (scrimp/save/splurge for it)!
Interesting that you brought up the same-sex marriage. As the institution of marriage breaks down and is redefined I’m excited what we can learn from one another. The Atlantic did an excellent article earlier this year about what heterosexual couples can learn from homosexual couples.
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/06/the-gay-guide-to-wedded-bliss/309317/?single_page=true
Really love this. Congratulations on your engagement as well!
Personally , i believe that if and when i get married..id like it to be till death do us part. Im only in college still though, and would like to take a lot of time to be ready for it. Simple yet thought provoking piece of writing..
Well, marriage is a very beautiful part of life, where two souls decide to live with each other and to spend their rest of life together as well. Love is the base of any marriage and dating before wedding makes a very strong platform for love for both men and women. In my opinion people must have a great dating experience and must know each other completely before getting married.