I get incredibly excited when a single sentence encapsulates everything I feel about a given issue. That might be because nothing impresses me more than perfect, succinct writing (as a writer and a human). It might be because I love connecting with strangers around shared thought (which is why I am a writer, and a human to some extent). I might be because not knowing how to express the thought myself was driving me crazy (see above explanations). In the case of this Sunday’s Modern Love column, it was D. all of the above.

As you know, I have mixed feelings about the institution of marriage. Given the benefits that it currently brings, my ideals about life-long partnership, and my feelings about R, I’ve decided it is the right next step for me, but it’s still a massive, confusing issue especially when you factor in marriage equality and the history of the institution of marriage. But when I read Heidi Basarab’s piece it all made sense. Here is the one sentence that cut through: “I didn’t need a man. Instead, it turned out I needed one particular man. It took me a ridiculously long time to recognize the difference.”

That is exactly how I feel. I am independent, stubborn, and terrified about relying too heavily on another human beingm and yet none of those aspects of my personality are hindered in my relationship. I would say R compliments and supports my independence, deals with my stubborn nature (while slowly helping to reduce it), and lets me know that he can be relied on without making me feel like I’m losing my ability to rely on myself. So I don’t need a man; I need my man.

Heidi has some other gems in there including: In a prescient moment at my kitchen table, right after I hung up the phone, I saw that I would love him, and that loving him would mean saying yes to the self I would become by loving him, and no to the other selves I would never become by not loving him. 

That’s a scary thought, right? All those other selves that vanish because you choose one road and not the other (or no road at all). But I think the decision to commit is partly made because you want that version of yourself with this other person more than the possibility of all the other versions that might be. Again, it’s an incredible simple but wildly powerful thought.

I suggest you read the whole piece because it’s beautiful, but it’s real beauty comes from the fact that it can all be reduced to one or two perfect thoughts.

In the spirit of that idea, I’m going to leave it at Heidi’s today instead of rambling on with five or ten more of my own. She says it best.

(And yes, I do have marriage on the brain because today marks exactly three months until my own!)