Do you like how the closer I get to the wedding the shorter these list-based posts become? I’d promise that more thoughtful essays on marriage, life, career and even dating are on the horizon, but they’re probably not so let’s just all appreciate the fact that five bullet points now constitutes legitimate reading content and get back to our third set of 50 girl push ups for the day. Just me? Right.
It is hard not to tell people that you’re getting married in 25 days when they ask, “so, what’s been going on with you two?” and yet answering the question honestly means you will be up against one, more or all of the following five questions:
1. So are you guys ready?
This is a perfectly understandable and kind way to engage around a pending wedding. I still like to respond with, “who knows?” or, “only one way to find out!” even though the answer is that we are 99% ready. The truth – as far as I’m concerned – is that if you are not ready 25 days before your wedding, you are not going to be ready so flip on that one killer song from Frozen and go back to finding a place to store all the serving bowls you registered for!
2. Oh my god how hungry are you?
I have been asked this 3-5 times which doesn’t exactly constitute a trend but is still worth mentioning. No I’m not hungry! I’m an employed 30-year-old American who lives within walking distance of a Trader Joe’s! Would I prefer to eat a toasted sesame bagel with cream cheese and lox vs. the flax seed oatmeal with a teaspoon of almond butter? Of course. But I am perfectly well fed and maintaining my almost daily ritual of dark chocolate w/ sea salt and caramel plus a glass of red wine while I watch The Voice (but only because The Voice is on so damn much). Yes I am doing targeted body part YouTube videos like it’s a legitimate part of my job, but I did not politely decline a helping of brisket at last night’s Seder, and I won’t tonight either. (Below are my favorite YouTubers in the targeted body part business, which seems to be booming these days)
3. Oh my god that’s like, TOMORROW.
The TOMORROW is interchangeable with SO SOON, NOW, or YESTERDAY, but the message is the same – why are you doing talking to me? don’t you have a spread sheet to update? – and also awkwardly not a question. I tend to respond with, “yep!” even though I’d like to say, “No it’s not. It’s, like, 25 days from now so stop making me more anxious about it than I already am, you. perfect. stranger.”
4. Where are you going on your honeymoon?
Now that is a good question. Direct. Specific. Not leading. Doesn’t make me want to lie. FYI the answer is that we’re taking a week-long, southern route, cross country drive back from New York (where we’re getting married) to L.A. right away then going to Thailand over the winter holiday break. The only problem with that response is the next question is usually, “oh my god you’re going to be spend a week in the car together right after your wedding??” To which I typically respond, “Yep, that way if it’s not going to work out at least we’ll know within the week!”
5. Oh my god are you totally freaking out?
That is a direct quote. On the one hand, I appreciate the honest nature of the question. On the other hand, I feel it could be more direct. Oh my god are you totally freaking out about _______?? would be easier to answer. The weather? Yes. The decision to marry this man? No. My dress looking perfect? Yes. All of my friends and loved ones enjoying themselves over the course of our 48 hour weekend that I painstaking planned over the course of an entire year? No. And yet I find that if you answer the question in exactly that manner (which I obviously have), people are disappointed. It’s like they want you to say oh my god yes I am!! For this I blame reality television.