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All The Things I Almost Wrote A Blog Post About For The Past Two Weeks

April 11, 2014

The Five Things Every Single Person Will Ask You When You Are Under a Month From Your Wedding

April 11, 2014

10 Things Every Life Partner Should Be Able To Do For You

April 11, 2014

In one month from yesterday I will be a married woman.

30 days from the day before today is my wedding day.

29 sets of 24 hours from this very moment marks the last time I will not be single.

But who’s counting?!

I’ve been reflecting a lot on what makes a good match for life as I approach the day, less than four weeks from this very day, that I will have my own match for life. I’m not going to mince words here, I’ve made an incredible choice. And that’s not a subjective statement. I believe most women in this world would be super lucky to be marrying R. Or would be if they could, which they can’t, because I am.

And yet damn-near-perfect as R may be, there are still things that he cannot do…yet. The more I reflect on what it is to commit your life to another person, the more I realize that I deserve for R to learn how to do these things. I think you’ll agree (depending on your gender and hair length), and so I encourage you to work on incorporating this list of life skills into your own life partner’s life.

10 Things Every Life Partner 
Should Be Able To Do For You

1. Braid your hair
 It is really hard to braid your own hair, especially a messy, side braid, which makes no sense because it’s both purposefully messed up and sits on the side of your head where you can see, but alas. If you’re a woman, you know this. If you’re a man, just imagine trying to write a letter to someone on your own back. If R could braid my hair – french, fishtail, tradish and side would be best – things would be so much better. All things.

2. Blow dry your hair 
See above. Factor in the $40 cost of a blow-out at Dry Bar. Everyone wins.

3. Write an e-mail exactly like you would write an e-mail
Consider the time saving benefits of this ghost-writer magic! Plus, sometimes you just don’t feel like writing those tough-to-write ones.

4. Keep a running list of all the things you randomly blurt out that you need/want/should do
He could do it on his phone. He could do it in his head. He could buy an adorable white-board and stick it on our fridge. Either way it would be like saving a live-in personal assistant.

5. Maintain a strong working knowledge of the upcoming television schedule and your taste in television to enable constant DVRing of shows that you will probably want to have recorded. 
I am giddy at the thought of this because it might actually be possible in my own life, and it. would. be. so. awesome. Will be, I mean.

6. Know the precise moment in a conversation when you are done with said conversation and need to be saved
And I’m talking without some pre-established I-touch-my-right-ear-twice signal.

7. Be able to secure the proper item of clothing for you with minimal direction
Anything from, “a rustic, chic dress for Clelia’s wedding,” to, “a dark-washed, peg-legged, zipper-closure denim.” 

8. Know just when you’ve finally fallen asleep and then not shift in the bed too much or cuddle you any more sos to wake you up. 
This also/especially applies to sleeping on red eye flights.

9. Instantly arrive at a decision around the restaurant you should go to/order out from based on what you actually want but can’t figure out for yourself. 
I realize that this and several other of the desired skills require a certain element of mind-reading, but that doesn’t change the fact that I want them to happen.

10. Hit the exact right spot on your back that really, really hurts without you have to go, “left…no, other left…now up…up a little more…a little more than a little more…no…down again…hhmm…it’s like in the shoulder…does that make sense?…you know what…forget it.”
Duh.

Now ladies, what am I missing? Gentlemen, what’s your list-form retort? And R, can I get an estimate around delivery of the above? In return you can make your own list that I may or may not publish on this blog 🙂 

 

 
  

6 comments

  1. I love this list…but for me you forgot brings flowers home for you randomly …I desperately need him to bring me flowers because its Tuesday and not just because but because I am his and he wants me to be happy…

  2. Nope. What you describe would be nice in the short term, but you really want the long term jackpot:

    3. Knows when you should send the emotional email, and when you should sleep on it first.
    4. Suggests to you really cool or useful or urgent things to do that you have NOT randomly thought of.
    5. Is open to a different network of opinion and suggests to you awesome things that you would not have thought you would like, but actually love.
    9. If you solve this you will rule the world.

    And for the others, it sounds like you need a good butler. Nice, but that is like wanting your surgeon to have good hand writing. Might be nice, but if you ask your surgeon to focus on it, you are really missing the point.

  3. As the long-time married guy, I will try to explain the real world married life, without being too snarky.

    1. Men, clean the toilets without being asked to. There will be no more fake orgasms if you do this one thing.
    2. Have dinner ready once in a while – if for nothing else, to show that you can cook circles around her.
    3. Buy her a cup holder for HER car. See #1
    4. Send flowers to her at work – a big bunch every time. Then send a pity flower anonymously to her female co-workers.
    5. Never say anything to her about her crunchy underwear.
    6. Never mix colors in the wash, even though it’s been proven that you can do this thing. She is still remembering what her mother told her on her wedding day like it was yesterday.
    7. ALWAYS drink from a carton OVER the sink.
    8. Have a cell phone she knows about, then have a REAL cell phone she doesn’t
    9. Never do porn – women think it is as bad as cheating on her. So you might as well cheat if you’re into that sort of thing.
    10. To get a convo going, ask her if she has ever “experimented” with other women, like in college or something. Ask for the details.

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