As of two weeks ago tomorrow, I am a wife.
It’s the latest in a short list of titles that define me, I decided this morning as I noticed the tan line that my wedding band has already created. I am a woman, a daughter, a sister and now a wife. Yes I’m also a friend, writer, feminist, democrat, Angeleno, New Yorker and person who gets a belly ache after too much milk – traits equally defining in so many ways – but they’re not quite the same as those big four. Every person is a man or woman. Every man or woman is a son or daughter. Every human with a sibling is a sister or brother. And every individual who chooses to marry is a husband or wife. It feels bigger than just a career direction, city choice or food allergy. It feels like a title I’ve both lucked into and earned.
“Sooo, what’s it like to be married??” people have been asking.
The truth is, it’s exactly the same as being not married, but I’m not so sure that’s how I want it to be. I searched long and hard for R (and then someone randomly delivered him to me, but that’s not the point). I have made wonderful and challenging compromises to incorporate him into my life (the man hates canned tuna fish. Do you know what it’s like to live in a house where delicious tuna salad is banned for life?). I worked my ass off planning the perfect event to celebrate our union (master “wedding day advice” post to come). And then I drove clear across the country for eight days to celebrate it (which was easy, but still far). Did I move from NY to LA without adjusting the color, cut and style of my entire wardrobe including shoes? No I did not, and I am not about to step into life as a wife without some equally well thought-out adjustments…that cost less money. I promise, R.
- I am going to wash the re-fillable water cup that I leave in the sink every single night. I don’t know why, but R hates that I leave my re-fillable water cup in the sink every single night. For the record I wash it in the morning prior to re-filling it with water, but it sleeps in the sink. I think it’s perfectly safe and clean in there for those hours, but it irks R so I’m going to stop doing it because R just put me on his health insurance, so it’s really the least I can do. J/K. I’m going to clean it because it’s a tiny thing I can do to make R a tiny bit happier, and I think that’s what wives should do.
- I am going to work really hard on my career goals. This is something I would do regardless of having a husband but now that I have one there’s this added sense of responsibility for the future that we both aspire to achieve. I think there’s a fine line between I’m working hard for you and I’m working hard for us, but I feel squarely planted on the right side of that line. So on days when I don’t want to write or don’t feel like editing I’ll think about the fact that I’m now in this with another person who is also trying to do the best he can for him and for us. Also R really wants to retire some day and open a sandwich shop, and I would love to make that possible because he has a really cute name for it. Maybe if you’re still reading in 25 years you’ll find out.
- I am going to shut my mouth about things that don’t need to be said. I know that sounds a bullet point in a Good Housekeeping article on women knowing their role in the household, but I don’t mean it that way. I mean that if R is wearing a shirt that I don’t think exactly matches with the shade of khaki on his shirts, I don’t need to comment. Or if the TV is a tiny bit too loud. Or if R got home 15 minutes later than he said he would. I think sometimes we feel like we have the right to share every thought or feeling with our partner, and maybe we technically do, but I’m not that kind of woman, daughter, sister or friend, so I’m not going to be that kind of wife.
- I am going to throw really fabulous dinner parties. Again, this can be done by any human, married or otherwise, but I have long been obsessed with the fabulous dinner parties that Nora Ephron and her husband Nicholas Pileggi threw monthly at their fabulous apartment in New York. So in an effort to be as much like Nora as humanly possible, I’m going to do the same. I want to be that couple, and I don’t care how much of a yuppy or poser that makes me.
- I am going to take care of R’s family like I take care of my own. I read this article once that said the wife should handle her family and the husband should handle his, but I don’t really like that advice. I want to remember to call R’s nephews and niece on their birthdays and send them fun gifts. Same goes for his parents and sisters and brothers-in-law. I’m not just an appendage that signs the other half of the Hallmark card. I’m legally their family too, and that’s a big deal.
- I am going to consider letting R get the puppy he has been begging for since we moved in together. And that is all I will say on the topic.
There are more, but that’s enough for now. I think the whole point of this is just to say that in our modern times the idea of being a wife, the role of a wife and what wives should and shouldn’t do has come under fire, and for very good reason. We don’t have to do anything we don’t want to do as women or as spouses. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t an incredibly important role that should be both appreciated and taken seriously, however you see fit.
All of that said, I will not now nor ever confess to R how many pairs of shoes are currently living in our apartment.
Jessie Rosen
Jessie Rosen resides physically in LA and mentally in NY. She writes scripts, books, articles, sex stories, branded content and killer e-mails.
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I wish I could explain how happy it makes me that you and R are married and moving into this amazing new chapter of your lives. I truly wish you both the best, and I’m excited to continue reading about that which you choose to share here. -Loyal reader
And what a fun new title it is!
YAY a puppy 😉 so fun, so much work but so worth it!
I love these points! I also love this part: “The truth is, it’s exactly the same as being not married, but I’m not so sure that’s how I want it to be.” I think a lot about how getting married changes long term relationships even if it FEELS like nothing changes. It’s an interesting thing to ponder.
Would love to hear your guy’s version of the things that have changed for him. Maybe you could interview him and share it with us? Your post was thoughtful and shows a maturity born of serious intention. Been living 38 years of marriage through three grown children, 26 years of running a small business and having a partner who is an accomplished professional in her own right. What gets couples through everything that is thrown at them and that they throw at each other is nothing more than ironclad intention (aka commitment). “I do” means “I will no matter what”. If this is present I have nothing but positive expectations for your lives together. I really enjoy your point of view. Keep up the good work on your blog and your new marriage.
Love it!!! I have heard that a lot, that married life isn’t all that different than pre-married life. But, I love your attitude of how you want it to be different. Beautiful.
about the “Imma shut my mouth” point, there is a fine line to this. yes, you want to pick your battles but you also don’t want to bottle things up inside that really are bothering you. I don’t know if you’ve read “gone girl” but at one point she writes about how she wants to be the “cool wife” who’s totally cool all the time. that doesn’t always work out, and honestly R probably appreciates honestly anyway.
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