One of my very best friends just gave birth to the very first baby among my set of very best friends. Her name is Zadie Patricia, and she is perfect. I know people say that about all babies, but they’re wrong. This baby is the most perfect baby of them all, and that’s a fact.

After Zadie was born I got to thinking about dating advice for babies. Not, as in, how they should go about dating other babies. That is a hysterical, but mostly gross thought. I mean, if I could whisper little pieces of advice into baby Zadie’s ears now to prevent her from heartbreak and wasted time later, what would I say?

They say dating habits are learned very early on, and that the confidence to date the right people is something you start developing at birth, so why not “Einstein baby” in a little practical advice to prevent some tear-stained diary pages later on?

Here is what I have for baby Zadie so far:

• If it’s between the class “bad boy” and the class “clown” you go clown every time. The reasons the bad boy is bad are way deeper/worse/dark & twisty than the reasons the clown is funny – for now at least. 

• 9 times out of 10, a guy’s favorite “outfit” of yours will be your jeans and flannel combo, so don’t stress too much about looking perfect. 

• If you say, “no,” and he says, “come on…don’t be a prude…” you run for the hills. 

• If you say, “no,” and he says, “you have to…I’ll have the worst blue balls if you don’t…” you tell him that your wise, old Auntie Jessie told you blue balls are a crock of shit, and then you run for the hills.

• Ariel = Bad Disney Princess, Belle = Better Disney Princess, Jasmine = Best Disney Princess. 

• I don’t know if people will still be making phone calls when you are of dating age, but if they still are, make sure a guy does it more than once at the onset of your relationship. It means he is brave, and you should only be dating the bravest of men.

• Chances are you won’t look back on life and says, “gosh I really should have lost my virginity sooner!” Keep that in mind on Prom night.

• The number of best girlfriends you have should always be greater than or equal to the number of boyfriends you’ve had in the past year. I can’t explain why this is so, but it is. 

• You should either always trust your judgement after a few cocktails or never trust your judgement after a few cocktails. You’ll know which after the first time you call/text/kiss a guy after a few cocktails. 

• It is way sadder to be lonely inside a relationship than to be lonely for a relationship. Try not to learn by experience on this one.  

And – most importantly – don’t date anyone who isn’t as kind, loving, romantic, smart, brave, caring, funny, and sincere as your Dad.  Not that you’ll have any trouble snagging exactly that kind of man since you are are the daughter of your absolutely incredible Mom.