My good friend Michelle observed a very specific change in the way people treated her after she got married – two specific groups of people, to be precise.
Michelle is a 30-year-old successful professional both well-liked and well-respected in her industry. She dated her now husband for approximately 2 years prior to their wedding day. Her now husband is an equally well liked/respected member of his respective industry. Neither Michelle nor her husband shifted anything about their professional lives directly following their marriage.
I mention these specifics to point out that Michelle’s social and professional worlds were well-prepared for her nuptials. There should have been no difference in the way she was perceived directly before and directly after she said, “I do.”
And yet Michelle perceived an immediate change.
We discussed her theory over lunch at Comicon down in San Diego (that’s how backed up I am with posts…) – an event filled with networking parties where 5 min catch-up run ins and sub 10 min “agentings” reign. It was there that Michelle really noticed the difference in how the single, unmarried set was responding to her new relationship status.
It was hard to define, she explained, but there’s this sense that they now think of her as, “done” – unavailable, uninterested and bound for a life of falling asleep to a movie on the couch. (note: my words, not hers). Even though she was just as committed to her boyfriend throughout their entire pre-marriage relationship, there was a shift in the way she felt considered now that they were married. It was as if, she explained, they now assumed she had no interest in single, unmarried things. Plus – though she couldn’t fully put her finger on this – there was less of an “edge” to the way she was spoken to. If there was any air of a flirt from a male colleague before, it was gone now. If a female industry contact would previously dish dating gossip prior, she wouldn’t now. It was as if she’d lost her membership to the single people club.
What she got in return was an unspoken membership to the married people club. They treated her like she’d finally arrived. The husband jokes started flowing. The couples’ dinner invites increased. There was, the described, this sense that she was now to be taken seriously because she was a married woman. Michelle won’t be out boozing with the girls, their attitude suggested. Michelle won’t hook up with the Summer intern. Michelle isn’t a threat. She’s married. (again, my words. Married or not, Michelle would never hook up with the Summer intern).
I believe Michelle unconditionally, but I couldn’t (didn’t want to?) wrap my head around the reality of the insta-switch. Was the single set really pulling a, “well, I’d invite you to the party but your married now.” Could a Club Wed filled with “don’t you hate when he leaves his shoes around the house” really pop up so quickly?
I ran this theory by a married, male co-worker – a guy I suspected would meet the story with a, “it’s all in her head.” Instead I got instant agreement and further elaboration.
“It goes company by company,” he said, “Some places are more family-focused. But in the higher level positions being married is a sign that you’re serious – about your job, about your life, about everything.” Before you take that giant plunge, he explained, you’re just one drunk Christmas party away from being the hook-up talk of the town. And much as this town revolves around gossip, no one wants their VP to be the one in that spotlight.
But could there be that much of a difference between someone who’s in a committed relationship and someone who signed a marriage license?
“Yes,” he said, “it isn’t final ’til it’s final.”
I wonder if this is an L.A. phenomenon… And L.A. entertainment industry phenomenon?… I wonder if the single set just acts weird because they’re jealous… I wonder if married folk are all quietly judging the pre-married among them… And I wonder if this is a product of “just married” status or something to content with from wedding on out…
Agreements? Arguments? Thoughts?
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Hmm, have to say this is not encouraging to read as a single lady pushing 30. It’s not like getting married is a choice I have right now, as I’m not even in a relationship. That being said, I take my career very seriously and the fact that unless I have a ring on my finger, my entertainment industry company might not see me as settled/serious executive material is very disheartening. I would also point out, as being one of the few remaining unmarried women in my close group of friends, there is a marked change in a newly-married woman’s tone and choice of conversation topic too. It’s a two way street – there’s just more married topics to cover – moving, buying a home, nesting, etc. I would argue that just making the adjustment to calling someone your spouse, you may take your own life with a little more gravitas too? Regardless, I think it’s just part of how our culture organizes people into circles. The not taking single people seriously part though disturbs me.
I’m on the other side of the spectrum (married almost a year), and I get very annoyed that having a husband is such an identifier for me in the world. There’s so much more to me than my partner (who is, of course, a tremendous and loved part of my life). Things change socially and personally, of course, but I like to think I’d be treated the same way professionally, single or not.
I started out finding this annoying, but upon more thought, isn’t that kind of the point of marriage, as a symbol to the rest of the world? I mean, unless you’re doing it primarily for pragmatic tax/custody/citizenship benefits or whatever, the whole idea is that you’re “ready” for that change in your relationship and that you want the world to treat your relationship differently. Right?
Which is why I never plan on getting married, or at least not telling people, because while I can put up with the assumptions people make about me or my relationship on this end, I think I would end up hating everyone in the whole world after the lazy husband and nagging wife cracks started. It’s like people realize relationships all work differently and cover a wide range of understandings until you get married, when suddenly every marriage means the same thing.
It is definitely not just a California or L.A. thing. I’m in D.C. and got married about a year ago.
It was just as sudden. I don’t think I treat other people any different since I got married, but I do think I’m treated differently.
I also get a lot of strange looks because I’m 25 and I’m “already” married. Let’s forget that I was “already” in a long-term, committed relationship before that whole marriage thing went down. Or that I have two degrees and a full-time, professional career. Nope, still too young to be married.
Yep, she’s right. It changes instantly. And as another commenter point out, from that point on you are more defined by your “relationship status” than you were before. It’s not as though being in a relationship before really had a large impact on the way others, particularly strangers, viewed you. But once you’re married, that’s how people define you.
But that’s their problem.
If he’s a Hollywood guy, I think he meant, “It ain’t final til it’s vinyl.” It’s an old record biz expression people still use today.
For better or worse, people do indeed take you more seriously when you’re married, at least at the higher levels.
Yes, everything changes. People basically think you’re not fun anymore, that you don’t want to go out, and that the instant you’re married, you become a total bore.
I love being married, but I hate the way people treat me because of it.
There’s also the assumption that you can’t do anything alone anymore. People only invite “us” to do things, assuming that we’re siamese twins now. I hate double-dating and going out in pairs, but it’s all I’ve done since I’ve gotten married. As a result, I feel like I only get to know people on a shallow surface level.
As a single person, I do treat my married friends differently. One couple in particular didn’t live together before they got married and I just felt like an intruder if I suggested something.
With another set of married friends its a little easier as she is more apt to be spontaneous and willing to hang out.
I think I have described my behavior this way. If I had a crappy day and decide at 4:45 pm that I want to go to happy hour, I don’t think to call my married friends. I feel that it is inconsiderate to just call them out of the blue because they have someone else in their lives that they are responsible too. Even if it’s not a big deal, I prefer to schedule things in advance as to not intrude on their family.
Its kind of scary because both of those couples are expecting and I really feel like I am going to lose some contact.
In general, there is a feeling like I am being left behind. I’m not married and I don’t have a boyfriend so I an the odd wheel in couple land.
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After you get married? I have a small group of single friends and apparently, when you’re engaged you can’t go out and have fun anymore. I’ve already started being treated differently, however, I feel that I am the same person now that I always was.
I worry about the affect that the designation of ‘marriage’ will have on my social and professional life. People assume that I won’t go to events, do things, attend parties without the other. Both of us have our own lives and still love doing things separately as much as we love being together. The “married people’s club” is a frustrating generalization that is unavoidable from people who have that certain view of what marriage is. Gee….I can’t wait to get into the ‘people with kids’ club.
Yes how people treat and view u does change. How people interact with you once they see your wedding band changes what they were going to say, do, or even look at you. I’ve been married going on five years now and it hasn’t gotten any better only worse. I’m bored out of my mind because I only have surface relationships because everyone assumes I want to sit st home and stare at my husband while he stares at the TV. I want to have deep meaningful conversations with my old friends and family that I used to prior to marriage. But it’s like I’m avoided like a plague. I’ve come to the conclusion that I will need to make new friends and they can’t know that I’m married. If I wanna have any type of fun at all. It seems like all I’m good for now is recipes and news about how my two year old is doing. YAWN!!!!
I feel the same way as any other woman do with heartbreak before i met orinoko. My issue is with his co workers he always text them even after I told him how I feel about it. He will stop for while and then start all over. He always tells me how fat and old these woman are but I did know that he uses that as a deterrent for me not to think negatively about him having dates with them. Today I have now found out he is setting up lunch dates with one of them. I no longer can take it. Why did he just leave? I do not understand why he keeps doing this to me. He even comes home late after work now and he finally went away and broke up with me, well i been at psychic for help but all the same. what should I do? until my friend introduced me to a someone that assisted to reunite her husband. get the him with [email protected] you can contact him.