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Ways girls give guys the advantage: example #1

October 28, 2008

An Open Letter to Matt, my future boyfriend

October 28, 2008

This is what happened with my dry cleaner offering to set me up

October 28, 2008

I’d like to thank you all for your interest in the progress of my laundry love Matt.

It’s been a roller-coaster of emotions since Anna first proposed the idea. I’d say I’ve never been so in love with a complete stranger recommended by a service provider of mine, but my old ophthalmologist once said he thought I’d be perfect for his son.

Here are the paraphrased details up to this point:

Wednesday 10/22 – 7:30am.

I go down to Anna’s with laundry in tow hoping to catch Matt. On 10/21 she reported that, “he drop shirts off early in morning.” I am shower fresh in a plaid trench coat and new brown boots. I waltz in with a hurried strut that says, “I have places to go, but not so fast that I can’t say hello to the woman who irons my clothes. She’s important too, and, dressed in this adorable pencil skirt, I understand that.”

No Matt.
  • “Hi Anna, where’s my boyfriend?” (Oprah says aspirational language is the first step toward success)
  • “Haha – Jessica – you juuust miss him. He have early meeting. I say you come in soon. He laugh then leave.” (Has Matt rejected the mere idea of me? What clothes of mine has she shown him?!?!)
  • “Ugh – fine. But you tell him I won’t wait around forever.”
  • “Okay – I tell him.”
  • “No Anna – don’t actually tell him that. Don’t actually tell him anything, okay?”
  • “Hahaha Jessica – oookay.”

Fuck. Can I trust Anna to be a stealthy, coy matchmaker on my behalf? Probably not. Do I have any choice in the matter? No, none.
Friday 10/24 – 6:00pm
I pop in after work to pick up a suit I think I’ve left there thinking maybe Matt needs to pick up his favorite shirt so he can wear it to the exact same place I just so happen to be going tonight. He probably does. It makes perfect sense.

  • “Anna! What’s up! How are you?”
    “Jessica – Hi – how work for you?”
  • “Good, good – working hard, working hard. Hey listen, did I happen to leave a suit here recently?”
  • “You suit? No. You no bring suit to be clean ever.” (Right. That’s true. Probably because I don’t actually own a suit).
  • “Right. Hhmm. Okay.”
  • “Jessica Matt-You-Boyfriend come only in morning. I tell you this, no?”
  • “Oh – haha – who? Haha. Matt-my-boyfriend. Haha. Anna. You’re a riot. Gotta run!”

Okay, so she’s more stealth than me. We’ll call that a humiliating-though-positive development.
Sunday 10/26 – 11:00am
(please know that the process I went through to determine what time on a Sunday morning Matt might go to the dry cleaners began at 7am)
I have nothing to be cleaned. Due to the frequency with which I have been “popping” by Anna’s my entire wardrobe is cleaner than it’s ever been. I have now resorted to re-cleaning some towels just so I have something to bring down there. Whatever. It’s fate.

  • “Jessica! You here again? Hahaha.” (That bitch)
  • “Yep – Hi Anna – these towels just got so dirty yesterday somehow.”
  • “I understand.” (Her tone is clear as day. She’s on to me like white on rice. Ooh. Right. Sorry.)
  • “Anna — say — I was thinking. It would be so funny if, since you think Matt is the nicest guy and I’m the nicest girl, it maybe you told us both to come in at the same time to say hi to each other finally?”
  • “Ooh I arrange set up?” (Let’s count the number of times I can feel a fool in the span of five minutes…)
  • “Right. Yes. So you see…”
  • “Okay Jessica – I tell Matt. See what he think.” (What?! Run to by him!! Where is her loyalty! I wonder if she’s gotten to Chicks before Dicks in her urban dictionary. Hhm. Right. Best not to risk finding out she hasn’t.)
  • “Fine Anna. I mean – no big deal – it’s just so funny, that’s all. You know, right?”
  • “Oh yes Jessica – I know.”

Oh. So it’s going to be like that now. Fine. But this is far from over. I’ve invested way too much money into unnecessary laundering to give up without a fight.

To be continued…

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