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I recently came to an important conclusion. I can’t let the simple fact that I’m married get in the way of my insight into the fascinating ins and outs of the dating world. If this blog’s intended focus is 20 and 30-something life, then it is my obligation – nay, duty to cover the myriad ways that we as 20 and 30-somethings lead our lives, romantically.

Just kidding, my friend Jeni asked me if I wanted to Tinder for her while we were at dinner and now I’m hooked.

Guys, this thing is addictive. It started with Jeni over mussels at Marvin then morphed into an intense session for Carolyn over darts at Lucky’s before I switched over to helping Liz while we “watched” World Cup Soccer at Tavern. Jeni let me swipe without her visual approval! Carolyn let me write her messages for her! Liz said I picked really ugly guys but they seemed nicer than the ones she was going for so she was grateful! It. was. so. fun.

But while I was playing Tinder these friends were often being Tinder played (…is how the Sex & the City voice over of this story would go). It’s all fun and games until somebody gets a dick pic. Here based on three to four sessions and a whole host of stories from friends are my observations, questions and conclusions around the hottest online dating game since Dream Phone.

#TeamMatt but only because Dan is wearing a turtleneck and Bob is named Bob

Observations

• Men love dogs.
• Less overtly attractive men love to hide themselves in confusing group shots
• Men seem to think that pictures of them with attractive women will make other women love them. This, as far as I can tell, is the biggest mistake happening on the Tinder.
• I always support the well-done pun of a dating tagline. My friends run for the hills the minute they see it. This is both a warning to men and reminder that it’s a very good thing I got married.
• It seems that every single person is a match with every single person they “swipe right” on. That or I have the three most right-swiped female friends on Tinder. 
• If you accidentally “swipe left” on someone it takes a very long time for them to circle around again as an option. 
• I Tindered for two almost identical sisters both living in the Chicago are and came across zero duplicate men. Either there are endless men on Tinder or these algorithms for “type” really work.
• It has been explained to me that if you are a match you must message immediately or the guy forgets about you. Such is life…
• When messaging, a simple, “hey, what’s up?” performs much better overall than, say, “hey! nice to “meet” you? what have you been up to on this fine summer day? And BTW, cutest dog!” Once again, thank god someone married me. 

Questions

• Why can’t we have more profile information? I’m not asking for a ton more but the one-sentence is just not cutting it for me. 
• If a guy messages you right away does that obviously mean he’s interested in a hook-up vs. a date? 
• If smokers or divorced men or bankers or candle stick makers are completely out of the question for you then can you just message that right off the bat? “Hey, what’s up? Smoke?”
• And is it entirely safe to have perfect strangers who have made clear that they find you attractive knowing exactly how many miles away you are and what you look like? 

Conclusions

• Tinder is the equivalent of sitting at an outdoor cafe and yelling, “YES, NO, YES, NO!” to every single guy that walks by except in this case the yelling is kind of silent and they don’t know you’re doing it unless they yelled too. I can’t decide if that makes Tinder genius or terrible, but I will say that it’s an incredibly fun way to spend 45 minutes (and by that I mean 3 hours). 

• If you are going for it in the online dating world then you may as well be on Tinder. By sheer percentage of people, there’s a chance you’ll match with someone legitimately wonderful. I don’t find it all that different than meeting someone at a bar. 9 times out of 10 they are terrible. This way you can determine that through app messaging without having to suffer through the misery of doing it in person. Again, is this genius or terrible for the world? I don’t know, but it’s certainly easier.  

• So in the end, I think the worst part of Tinder is that it’s yet another distraction from actual life. I was buried in that app for way too long while in the company of live friends, and I could have gone on a lot longer. Is the pursuit of a partner important enough to take a pause from the present every now and then? Sure. But Tinder for the serious Tinderer (sp?) is not a pause from the present; it’s a beckoning, glowing wormhole of endless men (and women) that you dismiss or accept with a single muscle movement. God I wish I thought of it…