It’s typically incompatibilities than end a relationship. She’s a Mormon, you’re a man. He’s a banker, you just got back from Peace Corp. She went to Notre Dame, you went to BC/USC/Georgetown/Michigan/Stanford/Villanova. This is not a revolutionary concept.

Heavy hitters tend to be religion, level of intelligence, and cheating style, but a few recent conversations (slash nights) have made me wonder how the issue of compatibility plays out on the alcohol front. People are quick to say, “I could never be with a drug addict” or “stoners are a deal breaker”, but where is the fine (crooked?) line drawn on the issue of libations? Can you survive with someone whose drinking tendencies are dramatically different than yours?

From my research and experience here are the issues:

One drinks, one teetotals (doesn’t)
Second to screaming babies on an airplane, being around drunk people when you are sober is the most excruciating thing known to modern man. The most fun-loving, totally non-judgmental, stay-out-‘til-5am sober people are a delight, but are not drunk. They don’t make drunk decisions or have drunk appetites or want to make out in the middle of the dance floor. They, unlike their drunk worse-half, can see the people around them. This relationship is fantastic for the drinker who essentially has a free body guard who sleeps with them (unlike a bodyguard you pay for and then sleep with), but it makes sober sally a custodian (if you vom)/lawyer (if you strip) and therapist (when you wake up guilt-ridden and poor). Also, why don’t they drink at all ever? There are 1-2 reasons that are legit and respectful and 2-4 that are giant red flags.

A binge drinker and a social drinker

Some people drink to enjoy a delicious beverage that happens to be alcoholic. Others drink to get drunk off whatever is available. Then there’s that selective set that drink and always get drunk because they don’t know how to stop enjoying a delicious beverage slash whatever is available. Parents and doctors call this set “binge drinkers”. I call them my friends.

Point being: there is a distinct difference between a drinker and someone who drinks. As it applies to a relationship, issues are as follows:

• One person costs way more than the other person when out
• One person remembers way more than the other person the next day
• Alcohol affects some people’s performance in the boudoir – so if you’re the drinker and the guy that’s dick (pun intended)
• People are judgmental about other people’s willpower. So you end up dealing with the whole, “I don’t understand what you can’t just enjoy 4 vodka sodas instead of 11” fight
• Binge drinkers deny that they binge drink (and generally hate people who are judgemental) “First of all, it was 9 not 11, and because I unlike some people, know how to have a good time.”

Both just drink a ton
Logic would suggest this has the greatest likelihood of success considering the issue is compatibility, but there a bit of that old “if a tree falls” adage going on. If neither person is ever really sober in a relationship – is it actually happening?

Both are sober
Aww – that’s sweet, but then how did they have sex for the first time?

Old habits die hard and drinking habits die harder, so to adapt the advertiser’s credo: Drink as you will, but try to relate responsibly.