TFNL Tuesdays: what’s in your booty call contract?

June 17, 2009

Apparently you need a first date

June 17, 2009

Sexism: Pseudos — they seem like they want to date you…

June 17, 2009
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Back from the depths of the series archives comes Sexism: my lecture to both genders.

Past favorites include: The Superbowl, Valentine’s Day, and Guys v Girls on Marriage.

Today — a far stickier issue.

Sexism: Pseudos

There is a guy out there who wants to act like he’s dating you but not actually date you (yet? ever?).

He wants to hang out all the time, consult you on major life issues and ask you what you think he should wear. When his friends are in town you have to meet them. When your friends are in town he expects to meet them. If something major happens in your life and you don’t tell him it’s, “how did I not know about this?” When something major happens in his life you’re among the first person he texts.

Start seeing someone else and it’s, “he’s not good enough for you,” or, “so, that’s your type huh?” Of course said guy will talk about and potentially see other girls too. He’ll maybe consult you, maybe not, but if it progresses you’ll notice a definite drop off in gchats and “what r u doing right now” texts.

He behaves like an older brother figure who’s mildly obsessed with you. Teases you, judges you, needs you, but also notices you and compliments you in ways that are decidedly not familial. And you’re not making this shit up. Other people are all, “what is going on with _______?”

What. Is. He. Doing?! Hell if I know. Maybe wanting to date you but chickening out because he isn’t sure if you like him? Maybe still trying to decide if he wants to date you? Maybe biding his time and enjoying your friendship while he looks for someone 100% his type? I’ve seen – fiiine – experienced all three examples.

The question is what you’re doing?…


There’s a girl out there who wants to sometimes play the part of your girlfriend
but then consistently flirt with and date other guys.

When it’s just you two she’s attentive, loving, flirty, all-about-it. She accept dates and dresses up for them. She responds to texts with lines that include cute emoticons. She posts funny shit on your Facebook wall. She tells you you look hot when you look hot. When your Mom is in town she wants to have brunch and go shopping with her.

But then on the even days or when there’s a full moon or if she’s at a party where someone else has caught her attention, she becomes a phantom. You’re suddenly her cute sidekick, not her confidant. Can you get her another drink while she talks to some other guy? Sorry she didn’t text you back last week, things have been nuuutzzz!!! Hey stranger, all these dates are wearing me out — what are you up to tonight? her voice mail says.

If you start seeing someone else she’s all, “I mean, she’s cute if that’s what you like” or “I don’t know — I envisioned you with someone less…her.” Take a step back and you’ll get, “Um you went to ________ without me?! That’s our spot.”

Why. Is. She Like. This?! I can’t answer that question. I have only ever treated someone like that when I have definite feelings for them, but I’ve seen girls do it to guys they know they’ll never date.

But again — the question is — why are you entertaining her being like that?


I believe guys and girls can be platonic friends. I have very, very close platonic male friends. We talk all the time. Support each other. Have dinners alone. Compliment each other’s outfits. No, they’re not (all) gay.

But when those friends get girlfriends I’m not jealous. When they don’t call me back for a few days I’m not deeply hurt. When they don’t see my new Facebook photos I’ve posted and comment cute things to them I don’t question why I’m keeping this friendship up in the first place. And from their behavior toward me I know they feel and function the same.

If you are that guy and know you’ll never want to be with that girl back off and try to stop sending mixed signals. If you are that guy and think you do want to date her, shit or get off the pot.

If you are that girl and know you’ll never want to date that guy, stop being an asshole and leading him on. If you are that girl and do want to date that guy then just do that and stop flirting with everyone else; they’re likely not worth it.

But if you are on the receiving end of the aformentioned treatment by either guy or girl –ask yourself: Is it really a friendship if one person only wants to be dating the other? If you knew they were no chance you’d ever end up with this person, would you stay their so-close friend?And is it better to be in this awkward, confusing friendship or would it maybe be worth either making a move to figure out what the hell is going on or just taking a step back and re-adjusting that person in your life?
How you do either of those things is a whole other post…

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