It appears there’s another 20-something year old out there with some strong opinions on dating. Way stronger than mine, in fact. Jessica Messa’s HuffPo article Why Everything You Believe About Dating is Wrong is an out-with-the-old, in-with-the-reality pitch. People don’t really date anymore, so don’t expect to be dated. People don’t limit themselves to seeing more than one person at a time, so don’t be shocked if you find out you’re number 2 slash 5. If he doesn’t ask you on a date that doesn’t mean he’s just not that into you; guys now show their affections through text or Facebook message so note those signs, and take it from there.
I’m not saying anything in her account is wrong per se. Several of the realities she outlines are annoyingly real. But this, like so many accounts of modern dating tries to say, “the new rule is no rules!!” but then outlines what you should and shouldn’t do.
Everything I believe about dating isn’t summed up in these five”myths” but by way of review – here’s my take on the five this optimistic single lays out:
Myth #1: Your love life should revolve around dates. – “Revolve around” no, but I refuse to align with the whole “dating is dead” mentality. I go on dates. My friends go on dates. My guy friends ask girls out on dates. And that’s in Manhattan!
Myth #2: If he doesn’t ask you out on a date, then he’s just not that into you. This is tough because it’s easier to believe that it’s true. Yes, a shy guy can show his affection through random gchats and Facebook wall posts, but – and don’t hate me for this – that might not be enough for me. Does he have to flat-out ask me out, no, but can he dance around it until I finally say, “Listen…” – also no.
Myth #3: Women should never pursue men. I know I know I know – chase him just enough to know he’s being chased but not enough to know you could probably hunt for dinner and raise the children on your own. If the “myth” is that women shouldn’t ask men out on dates and we’re busting it with “but they can make it obvious they want to be asked out” fine – but I’m never going to love this situation.
Myth #4: Being involved with more than one guy at a time makes you a slut/player/Samantha Jones wannabe – All I’m going to say is that if your “problem” is you have too many men to date, probably don’t worry about busting and/or understanding dating myths.
Myth #5: Traditional dating is the best way to build a strong, lasting, loving relationship – I don’t really know what this means, but nothing about much that we do these days is traditional, so I’ll just agree for the sake of simplicity.
Could I identify better or more myths about dating and then bust them? No. My “manifesto” on how to best navigate the dating world would be title, Do Nothing Dating (Watch it… I already wrote that down and mailed it to myself), but I’m sure you could find a million people, guys and girls alike, who agree with everything above. My issue is that you’ll find just as many if not more who disagree. So I guess that makes my number one myth that there are set myths about dating at all.
As a P.S. – Jessica Messa is at the helm of another dating-themed site for your perusing pleasure. WTF Is Up With My Love Life?! – a soooort of Cathy-comic-strip of the blog world, but chock-full of interesting insights from frustrated daters.
And tomorrow – finally – more on this whole he-says, she-says re: expressing interest.
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I believe Jessica (Massa) is correct to say there’s a lot of ambiguity that exists in dating today. But, there’s always been ambiguous interactions between people interested in one another. Now, we just have a thousand more languages and outlets to use to communicate (or not communicate) how we feel. I think she’s wrong to merely subscribe to it and move on to create new “rules,” which someone will call “myths” as well, and would be better served to promote positive action than simply working within the system.
The biggest difference between what she refers to as “traditional dating” and where we are today is opportunity. We have, as a generation, larger-scaled interests than our predecessor daters. But by no means does this eliminate the need or desire of young people to want to “date” in more obvious/clear ways. Dating, like chivalry, is not dead, but it has transformed. People don’t want the same things as 50 years ago, so why would we follow the same norms?
As she points out in her article, different people provide different things in our lives, so explore them all. A big AGREED. But explore with the knowledge that if you want a relationship to grow, a person has to feel unique in your life and secure with you. And also, there are consequences to your choices because you can’t control how someone else feels.
The only real way to move from flirty/dating is clear, honest communication. Despite all the languages we speak and the forms of interaction– digital and interpersonal– we’ve mastered, there’s not class or Jessica Massa who can teach us how to be honest and recognize how we feel. That just takes practice. In the meantime, I’m going to stay away from these new rules and try to be more aware of those around me.