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December 6, 2010

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December 6, 2010

Today, two years ago: maybe the problem is he likes you too much

December 6, 2010
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It’s only for very good reasons that I miss writing a new post on my Monday, Wednesday, Friday schedule. Today’s very good reason is that I either have a stage three sinus infection or stage two brain cancer. So on account of the fact that the world is currently most bearable when I’m horizontal in a dark room (but, isn’t that always the case?), I’m forced to pull my classic “one year ago today” post. Luckily since this blog has been going on for very close to three years, I can offer the “two years ago today” post alternative.

This week, two years ago today, the 20-Nothing world was wrapped up in why we hook up and why we don’t date. On this particular Monday of that year I wrote a piece based on a conversation with a male friend defending the fact that he’s found himself not wanting to date a given girl because he likes her too much.

I explore whether or not that’s bullshit within the post. Reading it today though, I’m not sure my argument still holds weight…

If you haven’t read it, it’s new to you. If you have, do you still assess it the same?

It’s not that he doesn’t like you, it’s that he does…too much.

“I’m saying there are girls you don’t want to date because you don’t like them. But there are also girls you don’t want to date – no – it’s more like you can’t date them – because you do like them, too much.’

“So you like them but they don’t like you back you mean?”

“No no – you like her and you’re pretty sure she likes you but you still can’t date her because she’s like too good – you like her too much.”

4 comments

  1. This post was new to me, and it is an interesting idea. I feel like there are times when there is a legitimate reason for not going after someone with whom there is a mutual attraction. Timing has a lot to do with it–I myself am not in a position in my life to be in a serious relationship, for a lot of reasons. But I think there is a fine line.

    Looking at yourself and seeing issues and knowing full well that you need to work them out before getting into something serious is an admirable act of self-reflection and respect, but not pursuing it because of pure fear is basically just sabotaging something that could be wonderful, and basically allowing your issues to win before even giving it a try.

    This particular guy sounded like he was more afraid than anything, though we don’t know the particulars.

  2. I agree completely. I am on the other end, however. My recent ex-boyfriend built this pretty serious year long relationship with me – all him in the beginning – just to break if off a month ago. He has told me a million times it has nothing to do with me and that he needs to “figure sh*t out” with his future, career, etc. etc. Basically, if he would’ve followed the “like someone too much to date them” principle – I wouldn’t be heart broken right now. He knew he wasn’t ready for a relationship but got into one anyway and then realized he can’t make anyone else happy, because he can’t make himself happy and currently is waaaay too selfish to concern himself with my happiness. If he have waited and stayed a friend then we could’ve dated down the line – but after this heartache it’s not going to happen. So he wasted a perfectly good potential future going for it to soon. He still says things like “I would never do anything to jeopardize our future” and “You were the best girlfriend anyone could ask for but you had to sacrifice too much of yourself in our relationship without getting enough back.” Now, I clearly cannot speak to him or be around him and that’s just terrible for both of us. Sometimes if you’re not ready or scared of a relationship (not of rejection) then you shouldn’t put yourself or the person you “like too much” in that situation.

  3. Who didn’t know about this being an internal conflict both sexes face?

    I know just as many girls dismissing some truly amazing men they have come across as men doing it to women. Yes, this is truly an issue related to fear (the potential of fucking it up) and opposed to continuing to idealize this person, the potential dating situation, etc. by not entering it.

    Surely nine months into a relationship even the most perfectly awesome girls will no longer be *quite* perfect. Nor should they, as that’s not really the stuff mature relationships are made of. Maybe the fear is more in her seeing his shortcomings before he has the opportunity to find hers?

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