The long overdue story of how R and I met.

February 16, 2011

Regarding the “I’m single” lie of omission

February 16, 2011

More details in last week’s sleep over mystery

February 16, 2011
empty image
empty image

“I’m sure it was just a circumstantial thing,” I told my friend as we hashed out last week’s sleep-over denial story. “You’ll have much more clarity if you guys hang out again.”

Famous last words.

Long story short, it happened again. Or, rather, it didn’t happen again. Here is the new set of details. Get your over-thinking caps on!

  • My friend invites guy to her neck of the woods on Friday night. This is one week after the previous non-sleep-over date. They had been talking throughout the week.
  • My friend’s neck of the woods is approx 20 minutes by car/cab from guy’s apartment. Guy has a car but chooses to take public transportation.
  • They go out, get a bite, have a reasonable amount of drinks, then go back to my friend’s apartment.
  • Hooking up ensues to the same degree that it did last time. I now think it’s important to mention that hooking up does not include sex, and that neither party is pressing the issue on that. As in, he’s not requesting it or pushing things to that place, and my friend is following his lead.
  • At approx. 12:30 guy starts in on the, “so I have to get up really early tomorrow…” lines. Which, in fairness, may not be lines but actual facts. He has a 7:30am gym training session.
  • My friend lightly protests, saying he’s welcome to stay, she’d really like for him to, and a 7:30 am Saturday gym session is ridiculous.
  • Guy is not waffling about this situation. He’s planned to leave, he wants to leave, and he intends to leave.
  • In an effort to not kiss and run, guy suggests they chat for a little longer before he goes. They do so, and he finally leaves at approx. 1:00am
  • Because guy did not drive and it is beyond the time that public transportation is running, he has to take a $30 cab home.

And with more detail comes less clarity.

Before I thought it boiled down to one of, what was it? five possible explanations? Now I think the list has grown. Here’s my list of could-be’s after instance number two:

1. He has some form of strange medical/physical/emotional issue that he does not want to reveal slash have it reveal itself. I can’t really list out what those could be, but I’m sure they exist, and we can’t deny this guy that option.

  • Buuut, given the fact that they are already physical, it would be surprising if this hadn’t revealed itself already. Unless it’s something related to something he does in his sleep, which could be pretty bad, so let’s keep this as a valid option.

2. He is only interested in sleeping over if there is a chance that he could have sex and, knowing that it’s not going to happen, he figures there’s no sense in sleeping over.

  • The cynic’s assessment, but an option. The reason I don’t think this is the reason is because it has been explained to me that has not and is not forcing the sex issue.

3. He views the sleep-over move as something that signifies a more serious step in a dating relationship than he wants to take.

  • So in this guy’s mind sleeping over = real dating behavior. It’s a big step toward something more serious than the light dating/hooking up they’ve been doing. One sleep over and my friend is going to start calling more and expecting things and viewing what they have going on through a more serious light. I think there’s a strong possibility that this is what’s going on, as does my friend. It may be worth noting that my friend intends for this situation to remain very casual, which could ease guy’s concerns (if that is in fact his concern), but he doesn’t know that’s her position on the matter, so my theory still stands.

4. He doesn’t believe people should sleep over after this few dates.

  • Like, he thinks 3-4 dates is still too few to stay over based on his comfort level, beliefs, morals, what-have-you. Yes, I realize this is 2011, he’s over the age of 25, and the societal norm is for this guy to be perfectly happy to sleep whenever someone is inviting. I’m saying, what if this guy is just way more traditional than the average 20-something and stands by his personal comfort level/rules?

5. He has a girlfriend and sleeping over poses either a greater risk of getting caught or makes him feel really guilty.

  • Maybe, but my friend met him online so if he’s willing to put his picture on the Internet sleeping over can’t be beyond him.

I honestly don’t know, but if it happens again I’d personally launch into a, “so, is there a reason you’re avoiding the sleep-over?” conversation.

What do you think? And, maybe more importantly, what would you do?


  1. It sounds to me like he explicitly doesn’t want to have sex with her. I agree with all of the lines of thinking involving it being too soon in the relationship or he assumes that sleeping over will involve sex, but would take it a step further and say it sounds like he and he specifically does not want that to happen, not that he just isn’t pushing the issue. Could be any number of reasons–ideological, he has a girlfriend, etc, and it is a little weird that he isn’t explaining why, but maybe he thinks its too soon for that, too.

  2. Maybe he has space and boundary issues. He likes the routine of waking up in his own apartment and getting ready for his day without the stress/addition of another person or being there.

    Does he have a pet? That may explain why he needed to go home, but not why he didn’t ask her to stay.

    I think the best thing she can do is ask him about it. She can either let it fester and bother her or just be straight with him and find out what’s up.

  3. If he were cheating on a girlfriend, I don’t think having sex with your friend would be a big problem, so that’s a plus(?). I kind of agree that he may just be very set in a routine and a bit of a traditionalist. While it may seem bizarre to a lot of us nowadays, there still are people who prefer to take things very slowly.

    I also agree that if it happens again, and your friend feels it’s somehow hindering anything between them, she should ask (casually) about it.

  4. Maybe he is waiting for an explicit invitation for fear that he would look presumptuous by just climbing in the bed and asking her to set an alarm.

    OR – maybe he has an intense morning routine, bordering on OCD, that he can only do at his house.

    Either way, I think it is totally fair for your friend to just casually drop into conversation on their next date that he is more than welcome to stay all night if he would like. If he says, “Nah, I’m cool.” Then recommend the straightforward one word reply of, “Why?”

  5. Honestly, I am surprised how much everyone is reading into this. It’s only a couple of dates in, and he doesn’t want the girl to sleep over? This seems pretty reasonable to me. Also, it may simply be a classic case of: he’s not sure how he feels about this girl. He likes her enough that he is happy to hook up and hang out, but not so much that he wants to have morning conversation with her (to me, this is a potentially big jump). It sounds like the girl here is being way too over-analytical. It’s still super-early in the relationship … let him decide what he thinks of you. In general though, I know plenty of guys who aren’t crazy about sleeping with someone (in a literal sense). Guys tend to like their own beds and their own space.

  6. i’m with three or five. both sound incredibly likely. unfortch, some guys are stupid enough to put themselves online even if they have a gf…

    … altho? wouldn’t she be calling? i guess his phone could be on silent or vibrate. keep us posted!

  7. I personally like the options you’ve put forward here. Rationally, they make sense to me. Save for the girlfriend part. Just doesn’t seem very likely, especially since it seems she has some level of penetration into his home life, and if you’re hiding a significant other, dates/hanging out probably wouldn’t ever take place somewhere said other might show up.

    It’s interesting though. Like watching the plot of a 30-minute sitcom happen in real life time. Not to trivialize, of course. Considering her wanting to keep it casual, and it being here, I feel your friend’s probably ok with us treating it as a curiosity.

  8. It sounds like he has a gf. The first time they hooked up back at his place she never went into his bedroom right? Hook-up took place on the couch? I’m guessing all his cute couple photos are in his bedroom.

    OR he’s a bed wetter.

  9. i go with the bed-wetter or maybe he sleep walks. I had a long term bf who was a sleep walker…he was uber self consious about it. and i got to be honest–it freaked me out most nights. his were more like night terrors and he would act out his dreams in his sleep…these are little quirks that would freak someone out on a first date so maybe he is saving it for later.

  10. As a girl with an incurable STD (herpes) I waited weeks while going on dates with this guy (who is now my long term bf) and not allowing him to have sex or sleep over until I knew I wanted to date him seriously before dropping the bomb on him. He took it all in stride and it was no big deal, but I was afraid of scaring him away until I knew I wanted to take a more serious step with him.

    Just sayin’.

  11. My immediate thought with this was that he knew he had to get up really early and wanted to be in his own bed. I wouldn’t sleep over at someone’s house unless I was having sex with them. Sounds like he’s not ready to have sex with her, so he leaves when the night is over. End of story. Don’t see the problem here.

  12. I dated a guy once who was very Christian. He’d do everything-but, but always left before sleeping time and never pressed for sex. I thought he was just a gentleman, but after a month or so I brought it up, and it came out that it was just what he believed. I asked him why he never told me.

    “You never asked.”

Leave a comment