I was thinking about Patti’s no-sharing-a-bed-until-you’re-in-a-committed-relationship policy the other day.
That’s “Patti” as in Patti Stanger of Bravo’s Millionaire Matchmaker who famously demands that her “matches” do not engage in any hooking up before committing to a monogamous relationship. Kissing, touching, light-to-heavy petting is fine. But anything more is out, including sleep overs of any kind.
Full disclosure – I’m of the belief that if your safety, personal comfort and moral boundaries remain in tact, there is nothing “wrong” with hooking-up before the relationship has been deemed a relationship. Things happen, people lie, mistakes are made, and even beyond those negative things, many people are simply comfortable engaging in sexual acts (as innocent as 1st base and advanced as home plate) outside of a relationship. But if you aren’t, and the idea of sharing a bed with someone – regardless of what happens – is not something you want to do before you’re secure in the relationship, what do you do?
The very simple answer is – you say no.
But then what happens?
If you really did make it a policy to not hook-up until the guy/girl committed to a monogamous relationship? How would the person you’re pitching the policy to respond?
The way I see it there are three options:
- The person in question would stop talking to you – I think you can string a person along for a few dates before the proposition of a hook-up rears, but at a certain point you’re going to have to share your policy, and I believe there’s a possibility many people will say, “cool, later.” In many circumstances that would be because they were only after one thing in the first place, but it very well could be that the person takes your stance on the physical aspects of relationships as a sign that you’re on different pages regarding sexuality and personal comfort. They do want to be in a relationship, and perhaps with you, but they’re turned off by the barrier you’ve assigned.
- The person in question would “commit” to a relationship in order to hook-up –I can’t decide how likely this would be… On the one hand, if you really like someone who ascribes to the Patti Stanger rule then agreeing to be monogamous isn’t such a big deal; you’d get there soon enough anyway. But would some people just lie for the sake of the hook-up? I don’t know… I feel like there are enough fish in the sea, so-to-speak, that there’s no sense in lying just to get some action. Then again, much crueler things have happened.
- The person in question will patiently wait until you both agree to be in a committed, monogamous relationship – I don’t think this is as unlikely as you’re probably thinking. While my social world isn’t generally not on Patti’s page, we can’t forget that many, many people at many stages and ages are more conservative about their approach to dating and protective of the number and nature of their hook-ups. That said, there is a very big valley between being careful and calculating about the people you share yourself with (whether it’s sex or a fully-clothed sleep-over) and establishing a blanket policy for all situations.
What am I missing? What am I describing differently than it might really go down? And – most importantly – what do you think?
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i have a friend (a guy) who was in this sitch. And he was dating this girl he was really into that said “Sorry, i only sleep with my boyfriends.” So after a little bit of thought, he asked her to be his girlfriend. Made her dinner. And sealed the deal. And i believe they’re still together, just a couple months later. These are 2 relatively grown up, relatively successful people living in a large city. I think timing and even boundaries are a part of every relationship, but the real indicator of whether or not things work is not how and when you first slept together. It seems like it’s if you continue to like sleeping together down the line. And whether or not you like someone enough to roll with and stick with their ever changing boundaries and self-rules. Si? ~Nellie
Never watched Patti work her magic, but I agree – for myself.
My personal philosophy is not to go all the way with someone until I am certain of how I feel about them and how they feel about it…because sex releases my crazy hormone. I bond too quickly and try to make that person my boyfriend. (or something like a boyfriend) And when they weren’t on the same page, I would be devastated.
SO now, I just tell guys that I made a personal decision not to have sex until I am a little more serious. It is generally met with positive reactions…patiently waiting until I either give it up or dump them. 🙂
I think the reality is, sexual compatibility is something that a lot of people factor in BEFORE they decide whether or not they want to make things official with someone else….and why not? I don’t think it makes someone shallow or sleazy if a lack of sexual compatibility is a dealbreaker for them. And while it’s all fine and good to want to wait until you have a clearly and officially defined status with the other person before engaging physically, even if you wait until that point, and then have terrible sexual chemistry, chances are that things won’t last for much longer, regardless of whether or not you’re calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend. I’d even go so far as to say that if you’re serious about entering into a long term relationship with someone, your chances of staying happy and together are much improved by figuring out relatively quick whether you mesh both inside and outside of the bedroom. Now, that’s not to say that you need to go around having sex after the first few dates with everyone (safety should always be a concern), but setting blanket policies regardless of individual circumstances just strikes me as a quick way to narrow your options considerably.
(Same argument applies for sleepovers, even without sex- some people just want to know how well the other person will handle their morning self in all it’s cowlicked, morning breath-ey, eye booger-ey glory before they decide if the other person is serious relationship material)
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I LOVE Mademoiselle Hautemess’s reference of the “crazy hormone.” My friend and I call this “Going to crazytown.” “Are you in crazytown right now? Need help snapping out of it?” Some people are just prone to it and recognizing it is half the battle. So yea, boundaries are necessary for all parties involved. You’re not alone Mademoiselle!
I believe Patty’s advice works because if you do not commit in sex until you are in a relationship then “the thrill of the chase” remains very intense and guys love a challenge. The problem with this is: are you being true to yourself or just playing a game to make sure you end in a relationship? Personally, I just like to do things when I feel them and not putting limits to were the relationship may go… the problem is that as your friend mentioned my heart ended broken more times that I wished for. L.
I’ve been taught since my childhood/youth about how special and sacred intimacy is, and how we ought to save it for marriage. I did.
My advice – get to know the person you are dating as a person. Save the bed (and anything close to it) for when you are married. It’s better that way.
If you don’t want to get intimate until its committed, you should naturally want someone who feels the same… so it would make sense to wait for someone who feels that way and waits with you, no?
About a year ago I started this practice.
I had been dating guys with a “lets see where this goes” approach, but it wasn’t working. I would go on a few proper dates with a guy, then have sex, but instead of developing naturally into a relationship, I found it morphed into these casual hook-up situations even though we had started out fairly conservatively.
So I took this approach. I didn’t have any sex for about 11 months, until I met the feller who is now my boyfriend. He was casually sleeping with someone when he met me, so he didn’t say yes to get laid, but because he genuinely wanted to give it a go. Whether it works out in the longterm only time will tell, but in the meantime, I’m much happier and secure dating someone with whom I feel some commitment. He treats me better than the casual hook-up guys.
The other benefit to this policy is that it can give you more time to see a guy’s true colours. Its harder and messier to extricate yourself from an asshole after intimacy than before.
The way this policy is different from the Rules or some bullshit is that its about what YOU want, not tricking some guy into being your husband. If you want affection and monogamy, you have to let guys know that you’re not into anything less. As for your 2nd point, the kind of guys we’re interested in are not desperate enough to lie to get laid. Honestly, they can get sex pretty easily. And so can we, if that’s solely what we want. But I think most women want more.
I’m a pretty big fan of just going with the flow on this one. Rules, such as ‘I only share beds when I’m committed to the person’ can be limiting…what if there’s an exception? So instead of actually saying the above, I’ve always just said something like “Let’s just hold off for a bit” or “why bother rushing into things” – generic and vague. Or in some cases, I haven’t bothered waiting 😛 Depends on the person and circumstances, really.
But I think my response to someone saying this to me would be to just wait it out a bit. “Cool, they take sleep overs seriously,” I’d think. But then I’m a girl…maybe the answer would be different if I was a dude.
I’m intrigued by the fact that everyone seems to unanimously agree that Rules, Boundaries, Restrictions, Limiting, etc, are all on the side of waiting. Is it not equally limiting, boundary-imposing, restricting, etc, to say that “we must have sex/sleep-over/etc early on in the relationship?” It strikes me that that’s equally a blanket philosophy that people apply blindly to all relationships, regardless of the consequences/suitability/etc. Waiting doesn’t automatically equal “mindless boundaries” – it frequently just means, “let’s see how it goes and do what makes sense for us in this relationship.”
I don’t think there’s an either/or here. I’m lucky (some would say) to be able to hook up in most cases without issue of repercussions on my side (doesn’t always work for the guys/girls, let me tell ya!)… but even I have rules. And they’re not so much right/wrong things, it’s just that I don’t have good sex unless I’m comfortable with someone. So in 99% of cases, I don’t do first night sex, and often I hold off until I get a sense of them and feel like I am in sync with them mentally. This can happen quicker, but sometimes it doesn’t at all – I once dated a guy for three months before sleeping with him. He asked me why later, because he knew that wasn’t usually my MO, and I said – I just didn’t want it 100%, and I need 100%. I think if you’re honest about why you approach things the way you do, however that is, you’re fine. Don’t sweat it, and remember that you deserve to be comfortable, and set the “rules” you personally need to make that happen.
wow, I just had to comment about how levelheaded all these comments were. Thanks 🙂
All of these comments (and the original post) are spot-on. I just want to add one thing to the discussion.
A big part of the reason that guys lose interest if a girl “holds out” is not because we were “only after one thing.” The fact is, many of us like the idea of a long, built-up thing. We like chasing. We abandon girls who don’t “put out” more as a defense mechanism than anything else, because it just plain doesn’t feel good to be around a girl who’s constantly, in her mind, weighing the pros and cons of sleeping with us.
We also know from experience that, in most cases, if a girl really likes a guy, she won’t apply the “rules” to him. So if we feel that “rules” are being applied to us, we take that as a signal that she’s not into us and we bail.
It’s completely reasonable to stick to your guns when it comes to this issue. Having sex can be a special thing for some people and wanting to wait isn’t a big deal to me. If your man can’t wait and it’s really important to you that you do wait, that may be a sign to look for companionship elsewhere.
Thank you April! It is amazing that everyone else seems to assume that people will have sex at some point before marriage (if they marry at all). Have any of you looked at the stats on divorce and sex before marriage? Or for a really great shocker, take a look at the divorce stats for married couples who practice voluntary abstinence (Natural Family Planning). It’s nearly zilch! I am not saying that these stats are the best reason to just not “hook up” as you like to call it, but it should at least hint that some of your assumptions are incorrect, like the one that you need to check “sexual compatability” before a commitment.
Yes, my husband and I waited for marriage. Men (and women) with sexual self-control do exist. Oh, and yeah, we even live in Orange County…
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