As you know, I’m in Miami at the Fontainebleau thanks to the fine folks at VISIT FLORIDA. But aside from the joy that my joy may bring you (thanks Mom and Dad!), this trip has yet to prove wildly useful to you. That is aside from the fact that you’re currently booking a trip to Florida because I’ve made it clear it is not your Mommom’s Florida (note: my tagling line not VISIT FLORIDA’S, though I’m working on them).

So, because no matter where you are this summer you may find yourself up against the kind of day-long, sun-filled, bass-thumping pool party that I was lucky to experience thanks to iHeartRadio, here are my top six tips for surviving.

calm before the storm

• YOU NEED TO WEAR A HAT. That’s in all caps because I’m yelling it at you directly through the computer. Everyone from Target to Eugenia Kim sells them, and they come in every color, shape and size to fit whatever color, shape and size matches your given head. Faces burn first, and shade in the skull is a life saver.

• YOU NEED TO DRINK TONS OF WATER. Same deal. Feel free to alternative between waters and pina coladas (or if you’re me, vodka/soda/pineapple juice), but the point is to hydrate. I’m sorry that I sound like your Mom, but your Mom doesn’t pass out at a super cool pool party, so listen to me.

rubber ducky marketing at the Fontainebleau Miami

•  YOU NEED TO STOP THINKING ABOUT WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE IN YOUR BATHING SUIT. I’m yelling that the loudest. Nobody is looking at you in your bathing suit. I mean, everyone is looking at you in your bathing suit but everyone is looking at everyone and you are one out of a gagillion sweaty people in bathing suits, so if the reason you’re not going in the pool for a much-needed cool-off is because you’re afraid of what you look like in a bathing suit then you are being foolish. I understand you completely, but you are still being foolish, as am I when I feel that same way. 

• Bring as small a bag as you can possibly bring. Bonus points if it’s water proof-ish. The “ish” is because my pool-proof bag isn’t water proof but rather incredibly cheap pleather from H&M that I care very little about, so if it goes in the pool, I’m fine. Why not a big bag with your magazines, towel and sunscreen? Because it’s too hot to read, towels are at the pool and sunscreen comes in travel sized-bottles. Why pack small? Because you’re going to need to hide that bag somewhere while you run around in search of shade.

•  I don’t care how cure your dress/romper/shorts outfit/linen pants are. If they are annoying to get on and off with a wet but and boobs, DO NOT WEAR. There is nothing more miserable than putting clothing on when you are wet, so make sure that clothing is as non miserable as possible. This may take some testing. 

wet butt inducer but genius cool-down device

• And in the eternal words of Else (or Anna? I’ve only seen it once), LET IT GO. Summer is for relaxing while stepping outside of your comfort zone (btw so is Fall, Winter and Spring, so just learn this one in general). Who cares that the pool is full of beer? Who cares that you’re sweating like a pro wrestler? Who cares that 50% of the women are wearing thong bathing suits? Enjoy the moment, because there will come a time when you’re way too old to be able to do even that. And when that happens, trade the pool in for the beach. It’s way less crowded and way breezier, though they won’t be playing “Fancy” by Iggy Azalea on repeat, which is a real bummer. 

#thighselfie