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July 24, 2014

21 Things I Wish I Knew About Alcohol on my 21st Birthday

July 24, 2014
Remember this above all. Image source.

In less than two weeks my littlest sister, Alex, will turn 21.

[Yes, very close to my birthday. Five stars for careful reading, reader!]

Like me, she will ring in her ability to legally drink alcohol on the Jersey Shore with college friends, high school friends and our parents. Unlike me, she will not consume nine shots at the stroke of midnight rendering her useless for the next eighteen hours because I’m publicly begging her not to. Don’t do it Alex!!! And I’m sorry Carly and Michael…still.

Here is a list of 21 other things I think she should know about that devil drink we call booze.

  1. Nine shots in ten minutes will not make you drunk. It will make you asleep.
  2. There’s a point where it doesn’t matter if you’re drinking beer before liquor or liquor before beer, you will not be in the clear.  Learn that fast.
  3. You should either always trust what your heart is telling you after a few drinks or never trust what your heart is telling you after a few drinks. Learn that faster.
  4. You drink a Bud heavy if and only if there is absolutely nothing else to drink.
  5. Ask for the martini in a high ball glass, save thousands of dollars in dry cleaning bills.
  6. You know that point where you’re thinking (often out loud), “I’ve had a lot to drink, but I’m not drunk yet!” You’re wrong.
  7. If your sobriety is actually in question, take yourself to the bathroom and sit down on the toilet. Then you’ll know.
  8. I am so very sorry to say this, but the Cosmopolitan is over. That does not mean you can’t drink them, but if you’re drinking one sos to look very hip, the opposite is occurring.
  9. There is about a 100 calorie difference between a vodka tonic and a vodka soda. So if you are dieting, skip the tonic. If you are not, calm down and enjoy your life.
  10. You can’t drink a Long Island Iced Tea after the age of 22 unless you do so ironically.
  11. Before age 27, red wine will make you feel very, very sexy. After age 27, red wine will make you feel very, very sleep.
  12. Looking to get into brown liquors? Good for you! They’re delish and give you a lot more drunk for your buck. Start with bourbon then progress to whiskey before heading into scotch. No, dark rum doesn’t count.
  13. Try not to fall victim to the great open bar illusion. These current free drinks don’t count against future drinks you’ll have to buy so just calm down.
  14. One shot of tequila does not equal one mixed drink. The mixed drink has the mixer to buffer the drunk. The tequila has that tiny lime wedge that’s always too dry to excrete any liquid anyway.
  15. When being wildly peer-pressured into taking yet another shot of Jager it is totally acceptable to throw that shot over your shoulder and make like it went down rough. Just look behind you first.
  16. “Blacking out is just how my body handles too much alcohol,” is not an OK statement. You drink far too much. Get that in check.
  17. My hangover remedy is as follows: Drinkwel before I drink. Drinkwel before I go to bed. One giant glass of OJ with Lyteshow when I wake up. You are welcome to it, but know that it doesn’t work after more than four martinis, nor does anything Note: that is not a paid endorsement for Drinkwel or Lyteshow. Both companies are run by my friend Mike, and I truly stand by their product.
  18. The absolute best way to manage a night of drinking is that age old advice: one serving of alcohol, one serving of water. But don’t do it if bathrooms are few and far between or you’re wearing a wedding dress…
  19. Ruffies are still real. Take your drink to the bathroom with you or chug it before you go.
  20. Everclear is for children and alcoholics.
  21. And above all, remember this – nobody ever woke up the morning after a night of drinking and said, “damn, shoulda’ had one more drink!

What did I forget, friends?
 

AND, HAPPY ALMOST BIRTHDAY ALEX!

11 comments

  1. Both bourbon and scotch are types of whiskey. And many bourbons have more alcohol than scotch. You are just making things up.

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      My name is Janise Gayle am from Canada,i am here to give testimony of how i got back my husband, we got married for more than 9 years and have gotten two kids. thing were going well with us and we are always happy. until one day my husband started to behave in a way i could not understand, i was very confused by the way he treat me and the kids. later that month he did not come home again and he called me that he want a divorce, i asked him what have i done wrong to deserve this from him, all he was saying is that he want a divorce that he hate me and do not want to see me again in his life, i was mad and also frustrated do not know what to do,i was sick for more than 2 weeks because of the divorce. i love him so much he was everything to me without him my life is incomplete. i told my sister and she told me to contact a spell caster, i never believe in all this spell casting of a thing. i just want to try if something will come out of it. i contacted jato for the return of my husband to me, he told me that my husband have been taken by another woman, that she cast a spell on him that is why he hate me and also want us to divorce. then he told me that they have to cast a spell on him that will make him return to me and the kids, they casted the spell and after 1 week my husband called me and he told me that i should forgive him, he started to apologize on phone and said that he still love me that he did not know what happen to him that he left me. it was the spell that he jato casted on him that make him come back to me today,me and my family are now happy again today. thank you jato for what you have done for me i would have been nothing today if not for your great spell. i want you my friends who are passing through all this kind of love problem of getting back their husband, wife , or ex boyfriend and girlfriend to contact him email: freedomlovespel@gmail.com

  2. Don;t drink to get drunk….there’s nothing fun about that spinning feeling. Know when to stop. And please, Please, never drink an drive. If you have to ask yourself if you’re good enough to drive, chances are you’re not.

  3. !!! How Dr.Ukaka Restore My Broken Marriage And Bring Back My Lover !!!

    My name is Janise Gayle am from Canada,i am here to give testimony of how i got back my husband, we got married for more than 9 years and have gotten two kids. thing were going well with us and we are always happy. until one day my husband started to behave in a way i could not understand, i was very confused by the way he treat me and the kids. later that month he did not come home again and he called me that he want a divorce, i asked him what have i done wrong to deserve this from him, all he was saying is that he want a divorce that he hate me and do not want to see me again in his life, i was mad and also frustrated do not know what to do,i was sick for more than 2 weeks because of the divorce. i love him so much he was everything to me without him my life is incomplete. i told my sister and she told me to contact a spell caster, i never believe in all this spell casting of a thing. i just want to try if something will come out of it. i contacted jato for the return of my husband to me, he told me that my husband have been taken by another woman, that she cast a spell on him that is why he hate me and also want us to divorce. then he told me that they have to cast a spell on him that will make him return to me and the kids, they casted the spell and after 1 week my husband called me and he told me that i should forgive him, he started to apologize on phone and said that he still love me that he did not know what happen to him that he left me. it was the spell that he jato casted on him that make him come back to me today,me and my family are now happy again today. thank you jato for what you have done for me i would have been nothing today if not for your great spell. i want you my friends who are passing through all this kind of love problem of getting back their husband, wife , or ex boyfriend and girlfriend to contact him email: freedomlovespel@gmail.com

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  5. hello everyone, i just want to testify little about my life. my name is osmark i am 32 yrs old, a girl i start my life with who gave me a beautiful daughter of 5yrs, will both live happily fortunately her parent was so difficult for me to understand because they don’t want there daughter to live her life with me for all this i was trying my best to make sure my woman family love me and take me as son in-low because i was planing for her marriage upon all i did, no one was helpful to me and her family always advice and discourage her to park out of my house and this was a woman i love so much and never dream to loos her but at the end they took her away from me noting i could do i have my daughter and take her to my mum after some time my beautiful daughter was worried about her mum who left me over a yr and 2,months on faithful day i was at the filling station and i saw my wife younger brother after exchange of greetings i ask him about my wife he told me that his parent are planing her marriage to another man i was shocked after my woman brother told me my woman is planing to get married to another man. wen getting home i rush to my mum house and explain to her she take me to a man called dr goko when will got there, dr explain everything that happen to me. my mum was surprised and told me this man must be a great man after that dr goko told me that my woman is under a spell and he told me the solution that will get her back to me and her family will love me and take me as there son in-law. the one that surprised me most was, dr goko never ask of money he only told me what to buy. the next day my mum buy the materials and went back to dr goko temple to give him the materials. dr promise to work my heart desire in 48 hrs my mum told me what dr goko said. exactly 48 hrs my woman and her parent came to me and apologized everything was just like a dream wen i saw the woman in my life and her parents came to my house and ask for forgiveness i have never see such a miracle. dr goko did great one in my life a week later i and my family went and paid the bride pride of my lovely wife and they accepted me as son in-low after two week i went to dr goko and thanks him a lot because he did perfect job. i got his mail from him and i promised to testify good for him if you need his help here is the email/ gokospiritualspelltemple@hotmail.com don’t lost over it you will surely found help from him.
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  6. My name is Miley Edith i want you all to join me to thank the great man that help me to restore my relationship with my husband who dump me for another Girl for 3 months because the Girl had money, at first i never believed Doctor Ebakor spell temple will be able to help me win Nelson back from this other Girl but because i still love him and i need him back in my life, i worked and follow his instruction and it surprise me that after working with him, Nelson called me and ask me to forgive and forget the past that he still love me and that was how my husband came back for good. So with this great work done for me by Doctor Ebakor spell temple of whom i promise to always share his good work to the whole wide world and if any body is out there passing through any relationship difficulties should kindly contact him via Email { Doctorebakorspelltemple@hotmail.com }. Once again thank you Great Doctor Ebakor…

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