On Tuesday night R and I were talking about our Saturday night plans. We’re going to what should be a very fun party. It’s at a lovely house with a fun theme and great people. There is rumored to be a taco truck.

“I really want to driink at that party,” I said to R as we walked Louie around the block.

“Yeah?!” he replied, seemingly game.

“Actually. Wait. No,” I answered, because I’d thought about it for two seconds. “It’s not worth it.”

I stand by that decision. I’m not depressed about it. I’m not uncertain about it. And I’m going to try damn hard not to forget it when I come across the specialty cocktail table at the aforementioned party (because there will be one, because this is Los Angeles).

Here are the 7 Reasons Why I believe it is no longer worth it to get very, very drunk. Note: this post does not apply to weddings, especially those of close friends and/or sisters in which partying like a rock star is required, recommended and fully worthwhile.

YOU GET HUNGOVER

That’s in all caps because I am screaming it at you to ensure you understand just how severe this hangover can be. It is debilitating. It hurts my soul. I want to do nothing but writhe around in a heavily air-conditioned bedroom, moaning, except we don’t have a heavily air-conditioned bedroom so I would have to go to a hotel, but that would require getting in a car so forget it.

You have legitimate things to do the next day

I can no longer blow off an entire weekend on the flame retardant couch watching re-runs of Sex & The City with my college roommates. That is a sad thought right now because I miss those times immensely, but the stuff I am doing instead is really fun and exciting so I’m not really that bummed when deciding not to have another dirty martini.

You can’t make a fool out of yourself

Professionals in my industry with whom I hope to someday do business will be at this gathering. It’s hard enough to get a job in this town. The last thing I need is a reputation for being a sloppy drunk – or worse yet – one that spills a ton of gossip. And to those thinking, if you get like that then you’re drinking way too much I say, no sirs, you’re drinking way too little.

You can hook up whether you’re drunk or not

…or at least I can… Let’s face it, me. A lot of the reason we kept the party going during our single days was to sip up enough courage to make that hook-up of our dreams a reality. And you know what, sometimes it worked! But now we don’t have to trick the boy into the bedroom with sweet, booze-breathed nothings. We tricked him into marrying us!

You’re not as compelled by the things that being crazy drunk gets you

Why did we drink if not to finagle our way into romance? Because when you’re drunk crazy things happen. You ask the T driver if you can drive the T back to campus from downtown then call every stop out as “Longwood.” You get up on the bar at Tin Lizzie’s (may she rest) and do your best Coyote Ugly, unironically. You walk to the front of every single line at every single bar in Ft. Lauderdale during your girls’ weekend and tell them you don’t wait in lines because you’re from Manhattan, and it works. You sing Black Velvet at the top of your lungs in front of most of the filmmakers at the Tribeca Film Festival. You teach the old man sitting at the falafel stand where you drunk eat at 3am how to read in English.

Hmm. In hindsight some of those things were pretty epic… Let’s move on.

Your every drunk move runs the risk of being catalogued on the Internet

I started getting drunk in the pre Facebook era meaning my 3am drunk face was for me and the roommate holding back my hair to see (thanks Katie/Carly/Jenny and one time Mike!). Now the whole world walks around with a shame machine in their pockets (slash hands. have you noticed that people are just carrying their phones around in their hands all day these days?), and I’m sorry but there is no filter that can undo drunk.

You get too tired before you can get too drunk

Is this deeply sad or is it nature’s greatest blessing in disguise? By the time I reach the fork in the road between respectably buzzed and druunk I’m too tired to keep drinking. Or maybe I’m too sober to not care that I’m tired? Either way, the decision arises – more drinks or no more drinks? 9 times out of 10 I choose no more. I had lots of fun. I feel great. I can go home, have a killer sleep and still wake up with the desire to live. Decision made.

So in the end is this really a post about the end of being drunk or about what drinking ever really got us in the first place? Neither. It’s a post justifying the fact that I/we can’t party like I used to because I’m 32-years-old. Did it work? Do you feel better? Or do you at least feel like I’m still cool because I have really important things to do on the weekends?

For more like this check out

The Difference Between College & Everything After

Are Drunk Thoughts Real Thoughts?